HISTORY

Most of us view history as a study of the past for those of us in the future to look back on for change or even reassurance. As Barack Obama was announced the 44th President-Elect, I recognized that I had become a part of history. In the future when children and teachers in classrooms talk about the first ever elected African American President, I can say that I remember this exact moment. The emotions I am feeling; the love and support I see around me; the idea that we can come together as a nation to make a change that is so necessary and is a long time coming. I do also want to say that although we are rejoicing in this monumental acheivement, we also need to be aware that this is not the end, but the very beginning of a journey that will continually be history in the making! Here is my favorite excerpt from Obama's acceptance speech last night:

"For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow."

This is just the beginning for us!

Rantings of a Maniac

Look, I know you’ve got some mixed feelings about us and our relationship right now, but before you end it, you’ve gotta hear me out. I know deep down you really don’t want to let me go. I know you really wanna know why I thought it was a good idea to go through your phone book and call each and every single girl in it. I wanted to see if they had or still have any kind of a romantic relationship with you that could turn into something intimate. You have to realize that I only did it because of my passion and love for you. The love that is so strong in my heart that it compels me to do things like this phone book incident and the showing up at your house in the middle of the night incident and the calling you thirty times a day and the hanging around your job until you got off work. I do all this because I love you so much. I act out in wonder, curiosity and rage when you don’t tell me the whole truth when I ask for specifics about the women in your life. There’s Marie, for instance, who I’ve talked to over and over again. She keeps insisting that you guys are just friends, but I know she’s lying because I can hear it in her voice. When she’s talking to me, I get this feeling like there’s something going on with the two of you, maybe before or even now. I also get this feeling that she wants to be romantically involved with you or wants to be your woman. That would make her a filthy slut because she knows that I’m your girl.
I can’t imagine why someone would want someone that’s already taken. How could you even consider having sex with her. If you are, then just let me know because I don’t want to get in the way of your pleasure. It’s obvious that if you’d rather have sex with other people, then you aren’t satisfied with me, but how could you not be? You seem to like it a lot unless you’ve been faking it this whole time. Then...ohmygawd, are you breaking up with me because I’m bad in bed?

Estelle

She knew that the move was the best for her. She was the girl that wanted the romance and love from all the wrong people. There were plenty of people who would have loved her. Who would have been the one to support all her endeavours and be committed to everything she wanted in a relationship. But these people, she could not or rather would not have anything to do with. She was all about the challenge. She wanted to know that she won and the prize was something no one else could get. There was nothing more satisfying than that feeling of accomplishment. It felt as good as finishing that great book that you know you will always quote from. Like a J. Austen novel made her feel. But then she finally had taken control of her life. When things ended with Casey, she knew that her life would never be the same. She knew that he had made her realize that she walked a path of destruction. She knew that she needed a change. The first big change being where she lived. She had changed her environment first be able to to begin healing and changing herself. Having grown up in the Bay Area of California she wanted a change that was shocking enough but not so drastic that she would give up immediately. She knew the east coast was the place, not too far and not too close. He mom and sisters would be throwing enough of a fit already at the idea of her move, but anything further than a five hour flight would be too much for them. DC was the place she knew she wanted to be. Even in high school she wanted to leave after senior year and be in DC. She was talked out of it by her high school boyfriend thus beginning her destructive judgment when it came to her lovers. She used to make excuses for her behavior while with Landyn because she was so young and inexperienced, but as she fixated only on a certain dramatic characteristic she grew to realize that it wasn’t youth that made her act the way she did then. It was a lack of knowledge of herself. She knew exactly what she wanted, but until now, did not know how to communicate it with herself or others. Her needs were completely lost and she wouldn’t be able to retrieve them until years later.

Billy

I’m not sure I want to go out tonight.

Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. Please…for me? She says. I know she's batting those thick eyelashes of hers. I couldn’t help it.

Fine, I’ll go, but don’t expect me to have fun.

You’ll have fun…after a few drinks.

Yeah, I guess you’re right. I sighed. At that, we both laughed.

She had been so good to me since the move. The city felt so foreign to me, although I lived only fifteen minutes away my whole life. But she, having grown up in the city, knew exactly where to go and how to get there. I appreciated that.

I’ll meet you there in an hour.

Ok, see ya there!

I hang the phone up and walk to my closet. What to wear…what to wear, I think to myself as I brush my hands across my shirts that were hanging. The day had been wet and cold, as usual for January, so the short black mini was definitely out. Jeans and a nice plain tee and jacket would do nicely.

An hour and a half later, outfit, hair, make-up done, I’m standing at the bar, alone. It was pretty crowded, as expected for a Saturday night. A woman was yelling to everyone in the bar to go upstairs for cake. I guess it’s her birthday. As I smile at her hanging from the railing, my cell buzzes in my jacket pocket. I scramble to pick it up.

Hey! We are totally running late, she screams in my ear.

Yeah? Wait…we? I knew this was a set-up.

I’ve got two people with me.

Who?

You’ll see. We’re walking up now.

I shut the flip down on my cell and automatically look at the door. I wonder who she could be bringing. The door opens again and I see them. I hadn’t seen him is a while. I smile. He smiles back. I walk over.

Hey you! I didn’t know you were coming? I say to him.

Well, I decided last minute to join you guys.

Ok, then let’s drink. I say. Then notice someone else.

Hi, I say to him offering my hand. He takes it lightly and introduces himself. I smile at him and think to myself that I was glad I came out.

I'm a FRAUD!

DUDE...! I am such a fraud! I just figured this out the other day.

Here is how I happened upon my fraudness:

I left work on Monday not really motivated to work out and decided that shopping would be the better exercise for me. I went to an area of D.C. called Friendship Heights where I knew I could get my Santa Fe salad from the Cheesecake Factory and MJ's Daisy all on the same block. I was on a mission! After a satisfactory salad and too much bread and soda, I went rummaging through sale racks and sniffing perfumes and cologne.


When I walked out of the shops, Daisy and shirt in bag, I wasn't ready to go home and looked up to see a Borders! What better way to kill some time then to spend it looking up books! I wandered in and first looked at the "sale" bin and seeing it was full of pretty flowered post it notes and Hannah Montana calendars, I quickly retreated to the Children's Books section. With my niece's birthday and a friend's baby shower coming up, I looked at what fun educational book I could get for them as I am notorious for the learning toys. 20 minutes pass quickly and with nothing impressive, I walk towards my favorite section: Literature. There I spent another 20-30 minutes skimming through each aisle picking up a few that caught my eye, reading the inserts to get a more accurate account of each story, and taking in the smell of new books. This is my "happy place"!


The smile slowly creeps away from my face as I read the title of the next book I pick up, "First They Killed My Father: A Daughter Cambodia Remembers" by Loung Ung. There is a slight pain that is shooting in my chest. On the cover, a young girl with a piece of paper covering her nose and mouth with a name and number on it used by the infamous Khmer Rouge who terrorized Cambodia for the better end of the 70's. I looked into the girls eyes and thought for a moment that I should relate to this girl because we descent from the same people. I should know what her struggles were/are and I should be proud that the author is able to now voice this tragic story for others to read. The reality is that I had nothing in common with this girl. I was a born American and lived a very American life. I knew nothing about being enslaved by a group of people and forced to work long hours with no pay and scraps to eat. I am American...I had a highschool sweetheart...learned how to drive at 16...celebrated national holidays...watched cartoons on Sunday mornings...I only knew how to be an American. Yes, I learned my native language and yes, I knew how to be respectful of my elders, but I had no idea what I would do if ever I were left in Cambodia alone. I would be LOST!

After finding a desk nearest to me, I sat down and skimmed through the book. I read excerpts from the book which made my heart cry out even more. She, having gone through this horrific experience, is smiling on the back of the book. I felt like a fraud! I moved to D.C. to write my novel, but instead of being inspired by my culture and history, I am inspired by past relationships and those of my friends. All of a sudden, I thought to all the pages and words I had written and felt them unworthy compared to this novel. How could I put so much thought and effort into such a frivolous subject!

So here in lies my problem...Am I a fraud for not knowing my history as I should? or Am I a fraud for writing about love and relationships when there are so many other problems that weigh so much more in the world?

Why I Think The World Will End Soon...

When moving to the other side of the country, I acknowledged the fact that the severe weather change would be difficult for my sensitive native Californian self, but I did not think that Mother Nature would put me through the ringer as she has been doing the last 8 months. My closet has turned from year round clothes to seasonal wardrobe which isn't terrible because shopping is fun for me. I thought Winter would be the toughest for me with rain and snow and 20 degree weather, but it turns out that I was so so wrong. We are technically still in Spring seeing as the Summer is 12 days away and the sun is fierce! I was definitely not prepared for the 95 degrees; 100 with humidity; thunder; lightning; with storms so hard that it that when getting caught in it last week, I was so soaking wet that not only did my cell get water-damage, but my sneakers took two whole days and a round in the dryer to be wearable again.

Just last weekend, me and roommates and friends had a BBQ at home which looked like it would be a great day. About 10 minutes after putting the meat on the grill, the sky started to roar and lightning shot through the clouds as the rain began to pour. And poor Mikey ran back and forth from our back door to the grill to check on the food. His clothes and shoes drenched even the next day from a storm that lasted about an hour. With every lightning both we both ducked as if they were aimed directly at us. And with every duck of the head, we laughed. It was nice that there was another native Californian to share in this experience. After the storm passed, the rest of the day was perfect. It was as if there had been no storm at all. This weather, I tell ya!

This weekend was much of the same. Lightning and thunder and rain for 20 minutes, which made me cancel and remake plans for the night. I went back and forth about whether I should be out or not. I opted for out after the rain seemed like it wasn't returning and thankfully, it didn't. The night was beautiful until the next day when I woke up in a pool of my own sweat realizing that it was about 80 degrees at 8am. It didn't stop there though, as the day progressed so did the heat and humidity. The higher the temperature, the humity added another 5 degrees. As I sat in my living room still as can be and trying to stay cool, the thought crossed my mind that this is just not normal. I mean how can it be this hot with no sign of of it letting up? In that moment I was convinced that Mother Nature is telling us that we are done! WOW! What an epiphany!

Love & Lust

OK...So I was a bit angry when I wrote this, but I wanted to share it anyway...

Love and Lust
Two very different things
I was blinded by lust
Blinded by the thought of love
How has this happened
Strong and independent
As I am perceived
I lost it with the idea of you
Love, I thought
Was something we formed
But I was absolutely
And utterly wrong
Wrong about you
Wrong about myself
Wrong about us
How easily love fades to anger
How powerful it is
The instant one hears it
One feels lost
Alone
Abandoned
You've left me in a haze
Feelings of myself
Discheveled
Unsure
I'm trying to find that strong
Very sure
Very aware
ME
But she's nowhere to be found
This person I once was
Is now
So tainted
By you
Feelings of love and anger
Mixed together
Can truly be a dangerous thing
What can be done
What should be done
What would be done
Nothing
The truth is
The anguish
Frustration
And embarassment
I feel
Is just that
The anger I feel
Is dealt with on my own terms
See
Because
Now we are back to me
I am the one
Left lost
Alone
Abandoned
Remember
I am the one
Left to pick up the pieces
You shattered
The walls must be replaced
Now
I depend
On only me
In the end
As always before
I am my one true love
This love
True to me
Faithful to me
Completely in love with me
This love will and has
Stood the test of years
Past
And years
To come
Though
I don't regret
All we had
I am sorry it happened
But not sorry for you
Not sorry
That in the end
You've come out on top
Your needs have been met
A comfort
You must get from that
Is the one thing
That makes the anger
Boil inside of me
The thought of your contentment
Keeps me laying awake
Through the night
Of to know
You were suffering
If only for a little bit
Would make me feel
Better
My path to take now
Is towards self
I have taught myself a few lessons
Indeed
But the fairytale had to end
Right
The credits are ready to roll
You had the starring role
And me
I was simply an extra
To be exposed
And left
To the side
Nevermind my future
My life
My heart
As long as your's
Had the happy ending.

I'm Back!

I know...I know...It has been so long since I've updated my BLOG, but I have actually been pretty busy in the last couple of months. I've had Christmas at home with the family, a birthday celebration in Vegas, an attempt to find a way to quit one job for the other, and many days of working on my novel, all with somewhat of a broken heart. HMMMM...The last couple of months have been quite interesting. Ok so lets start from the beginning...

Christmas and New Years in Cali

It had been 3 full months since I first left to embark on self full-fillment or rather the attempt of it. I was pretty excited about coming home, mostly because I missed my family and friends a lot. My flight was turbulence-filled but that wasn't the reason my stomach was turning...I was nervous to see my family. I had never been without them for more than a week at a time in my entire 26 years and here I was on my way to see them after 3 months! My sister picked me up from the airport and even though we talked everyday and sometimes twice a day since I've been gone, I jumped when I saw her. We smiled and hugged and then things were completely normal. My nephews and niece had grown so much that I was saddened when I walked in the house and saw them asleep in their beds so different than when I left them. One nephew who was now standing basically eye to eye with me at the age of 11; the other who talked non-stop about everything with precise accounts; and then there was my beautiful niece who remembered me. When I picked her up and she smiled, I thought I would melt. After heart-felt greetings with the rest of my family which included my parents, 2 other sisters, my bro-in-law, and my baby cousin, I was HOME. I had 13 days to celebrate Christmas, celebrate New Years, make my rounds and EAT as much home cooked meals as I could...And that is exactly what I did. I watched my sister and mom cook as I tasted and ate. I hung out with my friends and drank and partied and took lots of pictures. It felt great to be back home where everything was familiar and cozy, but 10 days into it, I was definitely ready to come back home. Especially since I felt like I was repeating myself everytime I visited someone..."Yes, I love D.C...It's a great fit for me...Well right now I'm working 2 part-time jobs...I know the weather can get pretty bad...I'm getting used to it...Yes, I've met some really nice people...It's definitely nice to be back...No, I'm staying until New Years"...My leaving had mixed emotions. I wouldn't see my kiddies for a while, but my sisters would meet me in Vegas for my birthday in just a month. Then off I went to the airport that would bring me to my new home. I was in DC by Jan 6th and it felt great to be back!

The BIG 2-7! Monumental!

As January slowly ends and February approaches, I become excited for 4 reasons...

1. I LOVE when its my BIRTHDAY because it's the only time I can act like a brat and not feel bad about it, even though I almost always do anyway.
2. I get to see my sisters, Bro, and the selected friends that would join me.
3. I could party like a ROCK freakin STAR in Vegas of all places.
and finally...
4. Having been on a pretty strict workout/diet for the past month and losing a few pounds, I was excited to show off my new body!

We all landed at separate times, me being the second to last to arrive. I had literally an hour after checking in to be dolled up for the first round of partying. I had 4 full nights of partying and it started right away. It actually started on the plane with a shot vodka! That was pretty much the rest of the weekend. I forgot about DC and what I was going through and partied like I was 21 all over again. I met people who I had no interest in and nothing in common with, but seemed genuinely interested enough in their conversation to talk all night with. I met a whole Canadian Soccer team who were only interested in white women, but seemed to think that I was hot enough for them...I guess...There was a lot of partying...constant drinking...and eating all the things that I did not allow myself the past month...I was definitely worried that Patrick would be mad, but somehow I knew he'd understand! QUICK shout to Bobby Flay's MESA GRILL...The food was AWESOME. I was the first one up in the morning/afternoon and the last one down in at night/morning. I was running on steam/alcohol and by the time Monday evening came around....I was completely EXHAUSTED...As I sat in the airport waiting to board my plane, my eyes grew heavier and heavier. I took my seat, closed my eyes and when I opened them, we were at Dulles. I had slept pretty peacefully the entire flight...The first for me...I did wake up ready to start my day right away since I had a workout scheduled in a couple of hours...I was back to life...

Money or Sanity? Which would you choose?

I thought I really lucked out having found a job literally a day after getting to D.C. But, my sense of luck surely began to diminish the more and more I spent time in this job...This is my rant for a newer and better job, so please bare with me a few more lines...I am essentially an assistant which is fine, but treated as if I didn't finish high school/or college...didn't major in English...didn't work in a law firm for the last SEVEN years, which makes me pretty capable of a lot of things. I am MICRO-MANAGED so intensely to the point where every piece of work I produce is scrutinized down to every dot of the i and cross of the t...which drives me completely INSANE...I would understand if what I was doing could somehow save a life in Iraq or produce a solution to homelessness and poverty, but its NOT! It's mostly data entry which requires very little brain activity...So why? I ask...WHY?

I do actually have a second part-time gig that helps me to keep my brain stimulated. I absolutely adore this job, the entire place including all the employees and my boss...I am in a better mood when I'm there and it makes my life easier. The obvious choice is for me to quite one for the other, but this second job will not pay me what I need to actually live off of. So here lies my dilemma...Money or Sanity...Only time will tell. OK, my rant is over!

Mi Novella!

I am really really excited about my novel. I cannot say much about what it will be about, but I will talk about my process in getting here...I have always written down thoughts, ideas, stories. When I first got to college, I wanted to change the world so I majored in Sociology. I took classes on urban and inner city sociology. I was determined. I would get into heated debates/arguments with other classmates about issues arising in our cities to our youth. My essays were more stories than a thesis statement with evidence to prove it. Some professors loved what I wrote and others rebuffed it, saying that I was just telling stories. I thought to myself...well yeah, I'm telling stories about what is actually happening around me...Then the second semester of my sophmore year, I took some creative writing classes and in that class and with the help of Matt Goldstein, I knew that I was a writer. I enjoyed every second of completing every assignment. It was in this class that my very first short story. The class did not seem like a class, but more of a neccesity for me. By my junior year, I changed my major to English Literature and have been writing since. For the last couple of years I have been only playing with ideas of what I wanted my novel to be about and it has only been the last few months of me being away from home that I've actually honed in on one major theme. I am now working on my character development which is fun for me because I get to create a person who I can make act, do, and live the exact way that I want them to. It is exciting...That's all I can say now...I will keep you posted on how they develop....

My Semi-Broken Heart

I'm going to keep this short and simple...I met a guy...I fell for the guy...I found out the guy was married...I cried...Now I'm over it...So there!

So now you know what I've been up to the last few months. I will be better at updating as things progress! Thanks for the support!