OK...So I was a bit angry when I wrote this, but I wanted to share it anyway...
Love and Lust
Two very different things
I was blinded by lust
Blinded by the thought of love
How has this happened
Strong and independent
As I am perceived
I lost it with the idea of you
Love, I thought
Was something we formed
But I was absolutely
And utterly wrong
Wrong about you
Wrong about myself
Wrong about us
How easily love fades to anger
How powerful it is
The instant one hears it
One feels lost
Alone
Abandoned
You've left me in a haze
Feelings of myself
Discheveled
Unsure
I'm trying to find that strong
Very sure
Very aware
ME
But she's nowhere to be found
This person I once was
Is now
So tainted
By you
Feelings of love and anger
Mixed together
Can truly be a dangerous thing
What can be done
What should be done
What would be done
Nothing
The truth is
The anguish
Frustration
And embarassment
I feel
Is just that
The anger I feel
Is dealt with on my own terms
See
Because
Now we are back to me
I am the one
Left lost
Alone
Abandoned
Remember
I am the one
Left to pick up the pieces
You shattered
The walls must be replaced
Now
I depend
On only me
In the end
As always before
I am my one true love
This love
True to me
Faithful to me
Completely in love with me
This love will and has
Stood the test of years
Past
And years
To come
Though
I don't regret
All we had
I am sorry it happened
But not sorry for you
Not sorry
That in the end
You've come out on top
Your needs have been met
A comfort
You must get from that
Is the one thing
That makes the anger
Boil inside of me
The thought of your contentment
Keeps me laying awake
Through the night
Of to know
You were suffering
If only for a little bit
Would make me feel
Better
My path to take now
Is towards self
I have taught myself a few lessons
Indeed
But the fairytale had to end
Right
The credits are ready to roll
You had the starring role
And me
I was simply an extra
To be exposed
And left
To the side
Nevermind my future
My life
My heart
As long as your's
Had the happy ending.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
I'm Back!
I know...I know...It has been so long since I've updated my BLOG, but I have actually been pretty busy in the last couple of months. I've had Christmas at home with the family, a birthday celebration in Vegas, an attempt to find a way to quit one job for the other, and many days of working on my novel, all with somewhat of a broken heart. HMMMM...The last couple of months have been quite interesting. Ok so lets start from the beginning...
Christmas and New Years in Cali
It had been 3 full months since I first left to embark on self full-fillment or rather the attempt of it. I was pretty excited about coming home, mostly because I missed my family and friends a lot. My flight was turbulence-filled but that wasn't the reason my stomach was turning...I was nervous to see my family. I had never been without them for more than a week at a time in my entire 26 years and here I was on my way to see them after 3 months! My sister picked me up from the airport and even though we talked everyday and sometimes twice a day since I've been gone, I jumped when I saw her. We smiled and hugged and then things were completely normal. My nephews and niece had grown so much that I was saddened when I walked in the house and saw them asleep in their beds so different than when I left them. One nephew who was now standing basically eye to eye with me at the age of 11; the other who talked non-stop about everything with precise accounts; and then there was my beautiful niece who remembered me. When I picked her up and she smiled, I thought I would melt. After heart-felt greetings with the rest of my family which included my parents, 2 other sisters, my bro-in-law, and my baby cousin, I was HOME. I had 13 days to celebrate Christmas, celebrate New Years, make my rounds and EAT as much home cooked meals as I could...And that is exactly what I did. I watched my sister and mom cook as I tasted and ate. I hung out with my friends and drank and partied and took lots of pictures. It felt great to be back home where everything was familiar and cozy, but 10 days into it, I was definitely ready to come back home. Especially since I felt like I was repeating myself everytime I visited someone..."Yes, I love D.C...It's a great fit for me...Well right now I'm working 2 part-time jobs...I know the weather can get pretty bad...I'm getting used to it...Yes, I've met some really nice people...It's definitely nice to be back...No, I'm staying until New Years"...My leaving had mixed emotions. I wouldn't see my kiddies for a while, but my sisters would meet me in Vegas for my birthday in just a month. Then off I went to the airport that would bring me to my new home. I was in DC by Jan 6th and it felt great to be back!
The BIG 2-7! Monumental!
As January slowly ends and February approaches, I become excited for 4 reasons...
1. I LOVE when its my BIRTHDAY because it's the only time I can act like a brat and not feel bad about it, even though I almost always do anyway.
2. I get to see my sisters, Bro, and the selected friends that would join me.
3. I could party like a ROCK freakin STAR in Vegas of all places.
and finally...
4. Having been on a pretty strict workout/diet for the past month and losing a few pounds, I was excited to show off my new body!
We all landed at separate times, me being the second to last to arrive. I had literally an hour after checking in to be dolled up for the first round of partying. I had 4 full nights of partying and it started right away. It actually started on the plane with a shot vodka! That was pretty much the rest of the weekend. I forgot about DC and what I was going through and partied like I was 21 all over again. I met people who I had no interest in and nothing in common with, but seemed genuinely interested enough in their conversation to talk all night with. I met a whole Canadian Soccer team who were only interested in white women, but seemed to think that I was hot enough for them...I guess...There was a lot of partying...constant drinking...and eating all the things that I did not allow myself the past month...I was definitely worried that Patrick would be mad, but somehow I knew he'd understand! QUICK shout to Bobby Flay's MESA GRILL...The food was AWESOME. I was the first one up in the morning/afternoon and the last one down in at night/morning. I was running on steam/alcohol and by the time Monday evening came around....I was completely EXHAUSTED...As I sat in the airport waiting to board my plane, my eyes grew heavier and heavier. I took my seat, closed my eyes and when I opened them, we were at Dulles. I had slept pretty peacefully the entire flight...The first for me...I did wake up ready to start my day right away since I had a workout scheduled in a couple of hours...I was back to life...
Money or Sanity? Which would you choose?
I thought I really lucked out having found a job literally a day after getting to D.C. But, my sense of luck surely began to diminish the more and more I spent time in this job...This is my rant for a newer and better job, so please bare with me a few more lines...I am essentially an assistant which is fine, but treated as if I didn't finish high school/or college...didn't major in English...didn't work in a law firm for the last SEVEN years, which makes me pretty capable of a lot of things. I am MICRO-MANAGED so intensely to the point where every piece of work I produce is scrutinized down to every dot of the i and cross of the t...which drives me completely INSANE...I would understand if what I was doing could somehow save a life in Iraq or produce a solution to homelessness and poverty, but its NOT! It's mostly data entry which requires very little brain activity...So why? I ask...WHY?
I do actually have a second part-time gig that helps me to keep my brain stimulated. I absolutely adore this job, the entire place including all the employees and my boss...I am in a better mood when I'm there and it makes my life easier. The obvious choice is for me to quite one for the other, but this second job will not pay me what I need to actually live off of. So here lies my dilemma...Money or Sanity...Only time will tell. OK, my rant is over!
Mi Novella!
I am really really excited about my novel. I cannot say much about what it will be about, but I will talk about my process in getting here...I have always written down thoughts, ideas, stories. When I first got to college, I wanted to change the world so I majored in Sociology. I took classes on urban and inner city sociology. I was determined. I would get into heated debates/arguments with other classmates about issues arising in our cities to our youth. My essays were more stories than a thesis statement with evidence to prove it. Some professors loved what I wrote and others rebuffed it, saying that I was just telling stories. I thought to myself...well yeah, I'm telling stories about what is actually happening around me...Then the second semester of my sophmore year, I took some creative writing classes and in that class and with the help of Matt Goldstein, I knew that I was a writer. I enjoyed every second of completing every assignment. It was in this class that my very first short story. The class did not seem like a class, but more of a neccesity for me. By my junior year, I changed my major to English Literature and have been writing since. For the last couple of years I have been only playing with ideas of what I wanted my novel to be about and it has only been the last few months of me being away from home that I've actually honed in on one major theme. I am now working on my character development which is fun for me because I get to create a person who I can make act, do, and live the exact way that I want them to. It is exciting...That's all I can say now...I will keep you posted on how they develop....
My Semi-Broken Heart
I'm going to keep this short and simple...I met a guy...I fell for the guy...I found out the guy was married...I cried...Now I'm over it...So there!
So now you know what I've been up to the last few months. I will be better at updating as things progress! Thanks for the support!
Christmas and New Years in Cali
It had been 3 full months since I first left to embark on self full-fillment or rather the attempt of it. I was pretty excited about coming home, mostly because I missed my family and friends a lot. My flight was turbulence-filled but that wasn't the reason my stomach was turning...I was nervous to see my family. I had never been without them for more than a week at a time in my entire 26 years and here I was on my way to see them after 3 months! My sister picked me up from the airport and even though we talked everyday and sometimes twice a day since I've been gone, I jumped when I saw her. We smiled and hugged and then things were completely normal. My nephews and niece had grown so much that I was saddened when I walked in the house and saw them asleep in their beds so different than when I left them. One nephew who was now standing basically eye to eye with me at the age of 11; the other who talked non-stop about everything with precise accounts; and then there was my beautiful niece who remembered me. When I picked her up and she smiled, I thought I would melt. After heart-felt greetings with the rest of my family which included my parents, 2 other sisters, my bro-in-law, and my baby cousin, I was HOME. I had 13 days to celebrate Christmas, celebrate New Years, make my rounds and EAT as much home cooked meals as I could...And that is exactly what I did. I watched my sister and mom cook as I tasted and ate. I hung out with my friends and drank and partied and took lots of pictures. It felt great to be back home where everything was familiar and cozy, but 10 days into it, I was definitely ready to come back home. Especially since I felt like I was repeating myself everytime I visited someone..."Yes, I love D.C...It's a great fit for me...Well right now I'm working 2 part-time jobs...I know the weather can get pretty bad...I'm getting used to it...Yes, I've met some really nice people...It's definitely nice to be back...No, I'm staying until New Years"...My leaving had mixed emotions. I wouldn't see my kiddies for a while, but my sisters would meet me in Vegas for my birthday in just a month. Then off I went to the airport that would bring me to my new home. I was in DC by Jan 6th and it felt great to be back!
The BIG 2-7! Monumental!
As January slowly ends and February approaches, I become excited for 4 reasons...
1. I LOVE when its my BIRTHDAY because it's the only time I can act like a brat and not feel bad about it, even though I almost always do anyway.
2. I get to see my sisters, Bro, and the selected friends that would join me.
3. I could party like a ROCK freakin STAR in Vegas of all places.
and finally...
4. Having been on a pretty strict workout/diet for the past month and losing a few pounds, I was excited to show off my new body!
We all landed at separate times, me being the second to last to arrive. I had literally an hour after checking in to be dolled up for the first round of partying. I had 4 full nights of partying and it started right away. It actually started on the plane with a shot vodka! That was pretty much the rest of the weekend. I forgot about DC and what I was going through and partied like I was 21 all over again. I met people who I had no interest in and nothing in common with, but seemed genuinely interested enough in their conversation to talk all night with. I met a whole Canadian Soccer team who were only interested in white women, but seemed to think that I was hot enough for them...I guess...There was a lot of partying...constant drinking...and eating all the things that I did not allow myself the past month...I was definitely worried that Patrick would be mad, but somehow I knew he'd understand! QUICK shout to Bobby Flay's MESA GRILL...The food was AWESOME. I was the first one up in the morning/afternoon and the last one down in at night/morning. I was running on steam/alcohol and by the time Monday evening came around....I was completely EXHAUSTED...As I sat in the airport waiting to board my plane, my eyes grew heavier and heavier. I took my seat, closed my eyes and when I opened them, we were at Dulles. I had slept pretty peacefully the entire flight...The first for me...I did wake up ready to start my day right away since I had a workout scheduled in a couple of hours...I was back to life...
Money or Sanity? Which would you choose?
I thought I really lucked out having found a job literally a day after getting to D.C. But, my sense of luck surely began to diminish the more and more I spent time in this job...This is my rant for a newer and better job, so please bare with me a few more lines...I am essentially an assistant which is fine, but treated as if I didn't finish high school/or college...didn't major in English...didn't work in a law firm for the last SEVEN years, which makes me pretty capable of a lot of things. I am MICRO-MANAGED so intensely to the point where every piece of work I produce is scrutinized down to every dot of the i and cross of the t...which drives me completely INSANE...I would understand if what I was doing could somehow save a life in Iraq or produce a solution to homelessness and poverty, but its NOT! It's mostly data entry which requires very little brain activity...So why? I ask...WHY?
I do actually have a second part-time gig that helps me to keep my brain stimulated. I absolutely adore this job, the entire place including all the employees and my boss...I am in a better mood when I'm there and it makes my life easier. The obvious choice is for me to quite one for the other, but this second job will not pay me what I need to actually live off of. So here lies my dilemma...Money or Sanity...Only time will tell. OK, my rant is over!
Mi Novella!
I am really really excited about my novel. I cannot say much about what it will be about, but I will talk about my process in getting here...I have always written down thoughts, ideas, stories. When I first got to college, I wanted to change the world so I majored in Sociology. I took classes on urban and inner city sociology. I was determined. I would get into heated debates/arguments with other classmates about issues arising in our cities to our youth. My essays were more stories than a thesis statement with evidence to prove it. Some professors loved what I wrote and others rebuffed it, saying that I was just telling stories. I thought to myself...well yeah, I'm telling stories about what is actually happening around me...Then the second semester of my sophmore year, I took some creative writing classes and in that class and with the help of Matt Goldstein, I knew that I was a writer. I enjoyed every second of completing every assignment. It was in this class that my very first short story. The class did not seem like a class, but more of a neccesity for me. By my junior year, I changed my major to English Literature and have been writing since. For the last couple of years I have been only playing with ideas of what I wanted my novel to be about and it has only been the last few months of me being away from home that I've actually honed in on one major theme. I am now working on my character development which is fun for me because I get to create a person who I can make act, do, and live the exact way that I want them to. It is exciting...That's all I can say now...I will keep you posted on how they develop....
My Semi-Broken Heart
I'm going to keep this short and simple...I met a guy...I fell for the guy...I found out the guy was married...I cried...Now I'm over it...So there!
So now you know what I've been up to the last few months. I will be better at updating as things progress! Thanks for the support!
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