So Bounce Then

So bounce then...

As I heard it, I knew then it was over. This moment was not about discussions of the past and attempting to make sense of the insensible. This moment was real and hard as a rock. He was hard as a rock, but then again why wouldn’t he be? His life contained this metal-like toughness; this impenetrable force of a man that needed no one, but at the same time infected me with this craving of him. Can you see the imbalance of that? I didn’t…at first. I knew this was exactly what a “real” relationship would be like. Blood, sweat, and tears…literally. Nothing in life comes easy, so why should I expect love to be exempt? I convinced myself of this theory. I took my list of demands and worked through them efficiently and effectively daily…or so I thought. Criticism was a constant response. Appreciation came far and few between. Love was just an abstract notion, almost non-existent. But, that was what I was working towards. I was determined that the insecurities, yearning, and disappointment would somehow earn me the love I desired; his love. But alas, this was not the reality. I could feel it. I could see it, but still I pushed through it. There would be brightness in the end. The struggle is always in the beginning. If I hang on, he’ll see I’m worth it. I kept repeating these lines to myself; in the mirror, to those that would listen, and in my head. These lines pulled me through when I thought I would break. These lines and my love kept me warm at night when he wasn’t holding me. These lines comforted me through lonely dinners and single seated movies. These lines kept the relationship alive. These lines also made sure I kept on track of his program because after all, this was not mine. Nothing was mine. Everything was his. I appreciated his headstrong attitude, but became easily discouraged when it seemingly was directed towards me more often than not. I began to feel on edge with every day. My mood, my day, my happiness, my life had taken a pause until a green light was given. And even with the go, it could still be misdirection if I wasn’t careful in my words and my actions. Walking on eggshells was out of character for me and all that knew could see it, but continued to be supportive, because that’s just what we do for people we love. I was losing sight of myself; slowly, but surely. I became unsure of every thought, every action, everything. I had become a disgusting and sad version of this once strong, intelligent, funny, outgoing version of me. I was continuously unhappy even after encouraging him to help with a more suitable outcome. This is by no means a blame game because I let it happen. My only regret is that he didn’t see in me what I saw in him. He didn’t deem me worthy of a fight for, of a change for, of a place in his heart.

It was decision time.

So bounce then, I heard him aggressively state.

And I did.