When Its Cold Outside...

After a long day of revising briefs, arranging meetings, finalizing menus, and basically running around after the partners, I slipped off my heels and into my fur lined boots, wrapped my scarf around my neck, buttoned up my wool coat and readied myself to face the 30 degree weather. As I walked out the lobby door, a gush of wind flew across my face. I stopped right in my tracks because although I was bundled up, my face was still exposed and that gush felt like a slap across my cheeks. I took in a deep breath and began the short walk to the train station. Once there, I was happy to remove my gloves and reach for my latest treat, my book. 8 stops later and I had gloves on, rebuttoned my coat and was ready to face the cold again. The walk home was short, but definitely not sweet. In the cold, I always try to walk at a quicker pace than my usual Cali stroll. Once I get to the hill that is both my friend and enemy in my quest towards my home, I take in another deep breath and start. Once in apartment, I immediately begin to strip away all the layers that remind me of this wretched cold.

Dinner and wine and now cuddled up in my bed with my book, I hear the wind blowing outside. I take a moment to take in the weather and begin to feel nostalic for love or the comfort of being in love which as we know has two completely different meanings. Instead of going back to my reading, I decided to look up poems by a poet I have been newly introduced to...Khalil Gibran. How I hadn't heard from him before now, I don't know, but his writings have become a great influence and comfort for me. In searching through all the many poems and beginning to feel more calm because great writing has that effect on me. I then came across a poem by Khalil Gibran and as I read it the cold seemed to draft away from me. I became calmed and ready for bed. Here is an excerpt from the poem to share with you guys.

Winter

Come close to me, oh companion of my full life;
Come close to meand let not Winter's touch
Enter between us. Sit by me beforethe hearth,
For fireis the only fruit of Winter.
Speak to me of the glory of your heart, for
That is greater than the shrieking elements
Beyond our door.
Bind the door and seal the transoms, for the
Angry countenance of the heaven depresses my
Spirit, and the face of our snow-laden fields
Make my soul cry.
Feed the lamp with oil and let it not dim, and
Place it by you, so I can read with tears what
Your life with me has written upon your face.
Bring Autumn's wine. Let us drink and sing the
Song of remembrance to Spring's carefree sowing,
And Summer's watchful tending, and Autumn's
Reward in harvest.
Come close to me, oh beloved of my soul; the
Fire is cooling and fleeing under the ashes.
Embrace me, for I fear lonliness; the lamp is
Dim, and the wine which we pressed is closing
Our eyes. Let us look upon each other before
They are shut.
Find me with your arms and embrace me; let
Slumber then embrace our souls as one.
Kiss me, my beloved, for Winter has stolen
All but our moving lips.
You are close by me, My Forever.
How deep and wide will be the ocean of Slumber,
And how recent was the dawn!

-Khalil Gibran

So Bounce Then

So bounce then...

As I heard it, I knew then it was over. This moment was not about discussions of the past and attempting to make sense of the insensible. This moment was real and hard as a rock. He was hard as a rock, but then again why wouldn’t he be? His life contained this metal-like toughness; this impenetrable force of a man that needed no one, but at the same time infected me with this craving of him. Can you see the imbalance of that? I didn’t…at first. I knew this was exactly what a “real” relationship would be like. Blood, sweat, and tears…literally. Nothing in life comes easy, so why should I expect love to be exempt? I convinced myself of this theory. I took my list of demands and worked through them efficiently and effectively daily…or so I thought. Criticism was a constant response. Appreciation came far and few between. Love was just an abstract notion, almost non-existent. But, that was what I was working towards. I was determined that the insecurities, yearning, and disappointment would somehow earn me the love I desired; his love. But alas, this was not the reality. I could feel it. I could see it, but still I pushed through it. There would be brightness in the end. The struggle is always in the beginning. If I hang on, he’ll see I’m worth it. I kept repeating these lines to myself; in the mirror, to those that would listen, and in my head. These lines pulled me through when I thought I would break. These lines and my love kept me warm at night when he wasn’t holding me. These lines comforted me through lonely dinners and single seated movies. These lines kept the relationship alive. These lines also made sure I kept on track of his program because after all, this was not mine. Nothing was mine. Everything was his. I appreciated his headstrong attitude, but became easily discouraged when it seemingly was directed towards me more often than not. I began to feel on edge with every day. My mood, my day, my happiness, my life had taken a pause until a green light was given. And even with the go, it could still be misdirection if I wasn’t careful in my words and my actions. Walking on eggshells was out of character for me and all that knew could see it, but continued to be supportive, because that’s just what we do for people we love. I was losing sight of myself; slowly, but surely. I became unsure of every thought, every action, everything. I had become a disgusting and sad version of this once strong, intelligent, funny, outgoing version of me. I was continuously unhappy even after encouraging him to help with a more suitable outcome. This is by no means a blame game because I let it happen. My only regret is that he didn’t see in me what I saw in him. He didn’t deem me worthy of a fight for, of a change for, of a place in his heart.

It was decision time.

So bounce then, I heard him aggressively state.

And I did.

Mark

I’ve been sleepy and tired all week. Starting to take naps at every break I could. Eating like I had never eaten before. I just shook it off though. I had just recently started a second job ending every night at midnight so I figured my body was just getting used to the new schedule. Anyways I was concentrating on my big weekend. A whole weekend full of fun and relaxation. I would love it. I woke up Saturday morning with the worst stomach-ache. Gosh. What did I eat yesterday? I had to get ready so I quickly put it to the back of my head. I could just get a ginger ale on the way up to Napa. I was asleep the whole way. I was so tired and my usual car sickness worsened especially along the curves of he 37. I started to be upset; I refused to be sick on my birthday. This was going to be a great one; not as crazy as the rest had been. It started out bad and kept getting worse and worse as the day progressed. It was so frustrating to me because it was right in the in between stage. I wasn’t sick enough to be in bed but I was sick enough to complain. I must have been the worse company. Everybody was so nice to me though. They treated me like a princess. On the ride back home, my best friend asked me a simple question. And as I thought about the answer, my mind began running in circles. Now I’m freaked out. What do I do first? Who should I tell? Who’s going to help me? So many questions! How am I going to answer all of them? I decide I needed results. I must have spent an hour at the pharmacy trying to figure out which would be the most efficient. I finally choose one and went home with butterflies in my stomach. The lady at the register smiles at me and says, “Good luck.” I’m not sure which way she means for that statement to go so I just smile and say, "Thanks." The minutes lasted like what seemed to be hours. Finally, I look at it and look over at my friends. I can’t figure out how to read it. One comes over and she’s unsure too. I’m frustrated now because I want to know. Three positive answers later, I had my answers. The thought of it made me dizzy. I had to sit down. I looked around the room at these two smiling faces and I wondered why they were so happy about this? Were they really happy or were they just trying not to freak me out? How would I tell my friends? How would I tell my family? And oh gawd…how would I tell him? We weren’t on the best of terms. Breaking up and getting back together for the last couple of years now. How could I have made a mistake like this? What would happen? I was so confused. Where do I begin? What would I do first? My life would be completely different and that was the only thing I was absolutely sure of.