Hi All!
Happy Halloween!
I'm unsure what I'm going to get into tonight since I have the entire night free. Of the three parties that I have been invited to, all include some great idea for a costume, but I am feeling lazy so I could stay home and make dinner with a bottle of Virginia's best vino and pass out candy to the kids in the neighborhood. I'm still deciding...My friend Pam is really pushing me to go to a party at a bar in Adams Morgan that apparently will give you all you can drink for only $5! As tempting as that sounds, I know that tomorrow I will be working a 10-hour day, so waking up with a hangover doesn't sound very "grown-up", because let's face it, $5 and all you can drink is an invite for public drunkeness. I'm on the fence about this.
I'll let you know which I decided on tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Writing about Ms. Austen
Anyone who knows me, know how I feel about the late great Ms. Jane Austen. It started as a prerequisite to getting my Bachelor of Arts in English Literature from San Francisco State University and ended with my agressive passion for 19th Century literature and most of all the lovely Ms. Jane. She was an extraordinary woman who understood herself and those around her. Her perception of 19th Century life and the roles people had to abide by is fascinating. She knew what was expected of her, but chose to take her life as her own. She did as her mind and heart wanted and not what her family or society wanted. Before I start to babble, I'll get to the point of this blog entry...
A friend of mine sent me a book that she thought I would enjoy...a novel by LaurieViera Rigler called Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict. I got the package on a Friday and with the first opening of the book, I was halfway through by Saturday morning. This Laurie Viera Rigler read right into my imagination of wondering what it would be like to be a 21st Century girl in a 19th Century world. She captures the feelings and essence of wonder and amazement at the priorities of the family in which the character has awaken to. There is one passage that I have to share with you all...The main character, Courtney, is describing her love for Jane Austen in a way that takes the very words out of my mouth. Courtney feels as I do about Jane; a mixture of admiration and anxiety...Read it here....
"I am too afraid of exposing myself to such a literary group, who would no doubt think me unworthy because my entree to Austen was via Colin Firth prancing around in tight pants for the BBC. So what if I ran out and bought all the novels and read every single one before I saw another adaptation. A woman with a Jane Austen action figurem still in the box no less (because the box is the best part), would surely be shunned by such scholarly folk."
Chapter 11, Page 65
Although I do not have the action figure, the thought that I could get my hands on one is tempting enough for me to get on E-Bay. This quote confirmed in me that I was not the only one who does not deem herself an expert of Literature, but has an amazing adoration for Austen and her writing. LONG LIVE The Jane Austen Addicts!
A friend of mine sent me a book that she thought I would enjoy...a novel by LaurieViera Rigler called Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict. I got the package on a Friday and with the first opening of the book, I was halfway through by Saturday morning. This Laurie Viera Rigler read right into my imagination of wondering what it would be like to be a 21st Century girl in a 19th Century world. She captures the feelings and essence of wonder and amazement at the priorities of the family in which the character has awaken to. There is one passage that I have to share with you all...The main character, Courtney, is describing her love for Jane Austen in a way that takes the very words out of my mouth. Courtney feels as I do about Jane; a mixture of admiration and anxiety...Read it here....
"I am too afraid of exposing myself to such a literary group, who would no doubt think me unworthy because my entree to Austen was via Colin Firth prancing around in tight pants for the BBC. So what if I ran out and bought all the novels and read every single one before I saw another adaptation. A woman with a Jane Austen action figurem still in the box no less (because the box is the best part), would surely be shunned by such scholarly folk."
Chapter 11, Page 65
Although I do not have the action figure, the thought that I could get my hands on one is tempting enough for me to get on E-Bay. This quote confirmed in me that I was not the only one who does not deem herself an expert of Literature, but has an amazing adoration for Austen and her writing. LONG LIVE The Jane Austen Addicts!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
HELLA
Hella:
A multi-purpose word invented by people in north california, indigenous to the Bay Area.
Adjective: To describe a lot of something or something good.
Noun: A lot of
Adverb: Suplemental, inferrs a great quantity or that you're doing something and DOING IT RIGHT!
Interjection: An affirmation of what someone just said
Adjective: This party is hella chill.
Noun: I have hella.
Adverb: The Bay areais fuckin hella better than socal
Interjection: Nicole: Dude that shit was off tha hook
Jaime: hella!
A multi-purpose word invented by people in north california, indigenous to the Bay Area.
Adjective: To describe a lot of something or something good.
Noun: A lot of
Adverb: Suplemental, inferrs a great quantity or that you're doing something and DOING IT RIGHT!
Interjection: An affirmation of what someone just said
Adjective: This party is hella chill.
Noun: I have hella.
Adverb: The Bay areais fuckin hella better than socal
Interjection: Nicole: Dude that shit was off tha hook
Jaime: hella!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Skinny Jeans
So I have always been against the "skinny jean", thinking that only really skinny people could benefit from them. Being a woman with a bit more meat on her legs and behind, I felt like I'd look a mess with them on. I stand corrected. In the first week of my being in D.C. I went to Georgetown to do some shopping. I came across a pair of these infamous "skinny jeans", looked at the tag and low and behold...It was my size. I thought this to be a joke at first because no way could my frame fit in these jeans. In the spirit of trying new things and being in a different city, I took the jeans into the dressing room and tried them on. It was a bit of a struggle, but supposedly they are hard to put on no matter what size you are. I walked out of the dressing room and looked in the full-length mirror. I LIKED THEM! They looked tight and restricting, but felt oddly comfortable. I walked around the store a bit and decided on doing the very thing that just a week ago, I would never have done...I bought a pair of skinny jeans. After having worn them now a few times, I realize that they have become one of my favorite pairs of jeans. The more I squeeze into them, the more comfortable they feel to me. I have converted and now am a part of the "skinny jean" club. All those who object as I once did, please just try one on...It'll change your life!
Friday, October 19, 2007
LOVED
The sun shone brightly through the curtain as I was waking up. I rubbed my eyes, wiping away sleep from the night before. I looked around the room. For a moment, confused. Where am I? I huffed as I realized I knew exactly where I was. I was in my old room. The room I grew up in. In the corner is the dollhouse I took so much pride in taking care of when I was younger. The family was still there in the dining room having dinner where I’d left them 15 years ago. My bed, my dressers, my room; all still the same. The only thing different was the scent of the room. Mom traded between four scents of the Glade air fresheners. She had one scent for each season. The room was Hawaiian Breeze this season for the late summer we were having.
I pulled the sheets from over my head. I can’t believe I used to love these floral sheets. How can you sleep in flowers? I looked at the clock by the table. 12:30 pm. I can’t believe I’ve slept so late. Then again I’ve been sleeping in the past two weeks. I rose up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Well, it was more like pushing my legs over the side of the bed. I put on my robe and opened the door. From the hallway, I could hear music and the vacuum going at the same time. It was ancient music. My grandfather used to make me listen to it when I was growing up. It always seemed so sad to me, like listening to the blues or love songs after a break up. Papa used to tell me that a good song would bring your emotions to life and in this instance, he was right. I couldn’t understand what the man was saying in the song, but I knew he was hurting. The strain in his voice made me feel like I wasn’t the only one in the world feeling pain. I get to the bathroom and look into the mirror above the sink. My eyes were puffed like I was just in the ring with De la Hoya. I need to stop doing this to myself or I’ll never leave this house. I turn to the tub to start a bath and hear my mother.
“Lauren, is that you?”
Who else would it be? “Yeah, Ma. It’s me. I was just going to take a bath. You need any help today?”
“No, I’m okay. You just take your bath. I’ll fix you some lunch.”
“I can make my own, you know.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to worry about it.”
“You just don’t like anyone in your kitchen,” I mimicked under my breath. As the steam from the water rose, leaving a mist, I stare at the mirror and say, “Tell me again, why I’m here?”
After the bath, I feel a little bit better.
“You’re still in your robe?” my mom said as I walked down the stairs. Almost immediately my mood changes.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ma.”
“Well, you never know if anyone will show up. It would be nice if you, at least, looked decent.”
“Ma, no one visits you and the people who do are your other daughters and they know what I’m going through, so they’re not expecting anything more than this from me, ok?”
“What if he comes by?”
“He won’t. If he knows what’s good for him, he won’t.”
“Lauren, don’t talk like that. It’s not lady-like.”
“Well Ma, I’m not really feeling like a lady right now.”
“I can tell. You haven’t much wanted to look like one either the last couple of weeks. Wearing that robe everyday and all. Anyways, I made you a sandwich and some hot tea.” She walks towards the kitchen, leaving me there with nothing more to say, I roll my eyes at the back of her head and follow her into the kitchen. I wish he would hurry up and move out, so I can have my apartment back. My great, spacious, nagging-mom-free apartment. After the split, I wanted him out of there. He needed some time to get his finances together and couldn’t move until the end of this month. I should have known better anyway than to get involved with a bartender. They make so little money sometimes.
So, here I am in my mother’s house where I’m transformed back to being 9 years old again. She thinks the break-up is entirely my fault. I tried to explain it to her, but she says she doesn’t understand. I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t understand; I think it’s more she won’t understand.
“I want you to drink the tea, Lauren. This tea, it’s good for your soul.”
“Yeah, Ma. What hole in the wall shop from Chinatown told you that?”
“No store has to tell me, I know these things. Thirty years in America and I still remember old remedies my mother and grandmother passed down to me. As for you, hush with your smart talk and drink the tea.”
“Don’t be silly, there’s no soda in this house. There was none when you were younger and there certainly isn’t any now.”
“Really? You don’t have soda? I always thought you lied to us, so we would drink more water.”
“Why would I have to lie to you, when I can just tell you that you can’t have it?”
“I guess you’re right.”
“I know I’m right. Now, drink the tea.”
The doorbell rings and I look up. My heart skips one beat.
“See, I told you, you should be dressed.”
“Ma, did you have anything to do with whoever that is?”
“Nonsense, I’ve been down here cleaning all morning.”
She opens the door and smiles. Tash walks in with her two boys. I jumped from the table. They are about the only people that can still make me smile right now.
“Hey, babies! How are my favorite nephews?”
“Fine, Auntie,” they say in unison. Alex is 8 and Matt 5. The pride and joy of my father. He struck out four times with me and my three sisters, but Tash had given him what he always wanted. I gave them both a hug and they ran off into the living room.
“So, how are you today?” Tash looks at me with sympathetic eyes in a way that only my older sister could.
“I’m alright. It’s actually not as bad as everyone thinks,” I say to her, looking in my mother’s direction. I was already sick of people feeling sorry for me.
“You know she wasn’t out of bed until about an hour or so ago,” my mother says as she walks by.
“So what, Ma. I was tired. Don’t blame that on him.”
“Well, you are the one that is always up at the butt crack of dawn, Lauren. Always a meeting, always an interview, always something to do,” Tash says a little concerned about what my mother just said.
“I know, but I just wish everyone would give it a rest already. I won’t get over this if I have to relive every aspect of the relationship whenever people come to ‘see how I’m doing’. She hates when I sarcastically use my fingers for quotes. I do it just to bug her. I walked into the living room and pretend to be interested in the Sponge Bob cartoon on the television. Tash sat down next to me and smoothed away wet hair from my eyes, and I can’t help but put my head on her lap. She stroked my hair as I lay silent. Even at 30, she’s the ideal mom. She always knows when something is wrong and always has a solution to fix it. I can talk to her about anything, whereas, anything I tell my mother would be used against me.
“All these people that have come to see me, you know the one person who hasn’t?”
“Let me guess. Bea?”
“You know her so well,” I said again in my sarcastic tone.
“Well you how she is. Were you expecting anything more?”
“I guess I figured this was such a big break up that she would at least have been worried about me. We were together for four years, you know?”
“I know.”
“Bea is really busy. She doesn’t have time to just sit around crying and watching TV like you, Lauren,” my mom interjects from the kitchen.
“Of course, Ma. Bea has so much going on...with all her jobs and all her boyfriends.” The last part I said under my breath.
“Now, Lauren. It’s not nice to talk about your sis like that. She is still older than you.” Tash was straight old school. She was only three when my parents came to America and my mom raised her the old fashioned way. Marriage before sex, take care of your kids and husband, always do the cooking and cleaning. Lucky for her though, she met a guy that wasn’t into the woman’s role is at home thing, so they share household duties. Anyways, respect for anyone older than you was a big thing for her. Me, Bea and Melissa, on the other hand, were born and raised in Oakland, so we lacked a lot in the cultural values that Tash had. But as I always say, “When in Rome...”
“Tash, don’t take her side. You know she’s wrong for not even coming by. She hasn’t even called. Mel just tells me that they’ve talked about it and she’s worried.”
“Well, there you go. At least you know she is worried.”
“That’s not the point. She can talk to other people about me behind my back, but she can’t even come by to see if I’m okay.”
“Ok, that’s enough negative talk.” Alex is looking back at us curiously. Tash was always on mom duty. “C’mon, I’ll leave the kids here for the rest of the afternoon and me and you’ll go get some real lunch,” winking at me. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Okay, but I get to pick. I don’t want to go to anyone of your little health food restaurants in Berkeley. We’re going to Mills for a hoagie. You want me out, we’re eating what I want.” “Mom. Can I have a hoagie too?” Alex looks up from the screen with these big, wide eyes.
“Absolutely not. I’ve already made sandwiches for you and Matt. And we are not going to Mills. Their food is disgusting, too greasy.” She shivers a little thinking about it. “We can go to Fridays or Applebee’s or some place like that. I’ll give you those, but not Mills. You’re not killing yourself with me around.”
“Okay fine, Fridays, but you’re paying and I’m drinking,” I say with a smile.
“Of course you are, sweetie, of course you are,” Tash sighs as I climb the stairs to my old room. “Hurry up, Mel’s going to meet us.”
“Hawaiian Iced Tea, please,” I look at our waiter for a little eye contact, but he didn’t even look up from his notepad. Short brown hair, blue eyes. He was cute.
“And for you ma’am?”
“Oh, I’ll have a regular iced tea with no alcohol, please. Thank you.”
“Thanks,” I say as he walks away.
“Lauren, I don’t know how you can do it. Drinking so early in the day.”
“It’s 2 in the afternoon, Tash. The sun doesn’t have to be down in order for you to enjoy a nice drink.”
“I know. It’s just that, you haven’t even had anything to eat yet and you’ll be done with that before lunch comes.”
“Tash, would you stop being mom for a minute please.”
“I know, I’m sorry, sweetie.”
“You’re too uptight; you need to loosen up some.”
“I’m loose.”
“Yeah. Right. You’re loose, like that outfit you’re wearing.”
“What’s wrong with my outfit?”
“Oh, nothing. It just looks like you should be in that movie “Pleasantville” or something.”
“I am a mother of two very impressionable little boys. Having their mother walk around dressed like some hooch is not the look I’m going for. Did we come out for you to ridicule me?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“You know I don’t like to be judged.”
“I know. Anyways. Where’s Mel?” I needed some serious back up here.
“Speak of the devil,” Tashsays looking behind me. I turn around to see my baby sister walking towards us. She smiles and waves. She’s so adorably cute, I think to myself. The short-cut jean skirt, tight-fitted polo shirt, sandals and backpack make her look like she jumped straight out of an A&F ad. Me, on the other hand. I put an outfit like that on and I look disproportionate. My legs are way too short.
“Hey guys, was sup?”
“Hey,” we both say back.
“Uh oh, I feel tension. What did I miss?”
“Oh, nothing much. You’re sister is just sitting here making fun of me,” Tashsays teasingly.
“I am not. I just told her the she looked like she belonged in “Pleasantville”.
“That’s mean, Lauren. You know she’s old and don’t know any better.”
“Okay, you too better behave. Or no more drinks,” Tash says pointing that mom figure at both of us.
“Yeah, drinks,” Melissa says excited. She just started drinking, no thanks to me, only about two months strong and she can hang with the rest of us. I was proud.
“Did you guys order yet?”
“No, the guy took our drink order, but hasn’t come back yet. He was a little rude too. Did you see how he didn’t even acknowledge us?” I look at Tash for some reinforcement.
“He wasn’t that rude,” she looked at Melissa and says, “I think Lauren’s just mad because she wants him to notice her. And who wouldn’t want to notice her. Look at her, in her sweats and that t-shirt. Very attractive, I might add.”
“I didn’t know I had to get all dressed up to go to lunch.”
“Don’t give her so much grief, Tash,” Melissa says. “She’s in mourning, you know.”
“You guys act like someone died. No one is dead. I’m not dead. He’s not dead. He’s very much alive, actually, living right now, in my house. I’m stuck in home-maker hell while he’s living in my great two bedrooms, two bath, high-ceilinged, hardwood-floored apartment with the great view of the Lake.”
“You’re the one who let him stay. If it were me, he’d been out on the street.”
“I couldn’t throw him out. He didn’t have anything or anywhere to go.”
“Don’t pay attention to her, Lauren. She’s being silly. You’re doing the right thing by giving him some time to get it together. You’re being the bigger person.” Tash always knew just what to say.
“Well, if I’m such the bigger person, then why do I feel like shit?”
“It’s hard to explain, but pain comes from love and you know you love him, right? So just let the pain take over a little bit and you’ll overcome it. It’s like everything else you’ve done in your life. You’re faced with certain battles and you always come out on top, Lauren.”
“I guess you’re right. You do know what just to say to make everything feel okay.”
“I’m your big sis; it’s what I’m here for.”
“Yeah, well I wish sometimes Mom would see the situation like you’re seeing it. She’s been in my ear for the past two weeks telling me what a mistake I’m making. How I’m too old already and I’ll never find anyone else that will want me the way he did.”
“I know its hard living with her, but it’s only until the end of the month. He will be gone and you can have your apartment back.”
“I know, but it’s nerve-racking when your own mother will side with your abusive boyfriend rather than you. Not a good feeling, you know.”
“I know. Remember how she was with me when Greg asked me to marry him and I wasn’t sure? She looked like she wanted to punch me in the face. Like I was crazy for wanting to think it over.”
“C’mon, you guys. She’s not that bad. She’s only being mom,” Melissa gets a little defensive. She thinks we misunderstand our mother.
“You’ve got no idea how hard it is. You’re the baby are treated like that even though you’re 21,” I said back to her.
“I just don’t like it when you guys gang up on her.”
“Okay, then. Let’s gang up on someone else,” I say to lighten up the mood a little. I can tell that Melissa is not appreciating our conversation much.
As soon as I say that, the three of us all looked at each other and said, in unison, “Bea!” We all laughed just as the rude, but cute, waiter comes with our drinks.
“Oh, Lauren. That looks good. I’ll have one of those, please,” she says looking up at the waiter. He smiles at her.
“I already checked their IDs, so I guess I don’t have to check yours. Even though you look too young for a drink that strong,” he said smiling at her.
“Don’t let the look fool you, I can hang with the rest of them,” she said to him pointing at me. He doesn’t even look my way. They were totally flirting with each other. I should have known. The guys that are into her are never into me.
“Achemm. Can we order, please?” I had to call both of them back into reality. Tash looked away and Melissa looked a little embarrassed, but shook it off.
“What would you suggest...uuhhh,” she was looking for a name tag.
“It’s Troy. What are you in the mood for?” He leans over me so she can get a better look. I roll my eyes the other way and open my menu just big enough to slap him across the chest. He stood back up.
“Well, Troy, I’ll have the chicken caesar salad,” I said to break the eye contact. He looks at me and quickly jots down the order. Tash orders a Chinese chicken salad and his gaze quickly fixes back onto Melissa.
“I guess I’ll have a salad as well, since everyone else is having one.”
“The blackened chicken salad is really good,” Troy offered. “You should try it.”
“That sounds great, Troy.”
“Okay, blackened chicken, it is,” he smiled and walked away.
“It’s funny how he didn’t offer us any help with our order, huh Tash?”
“Man, Lauren, you were on hater patrol right there.” Melissa laughed at me.
“I was not. He was all leaning over me. It was rude.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
As I sat there at the table with my sisters, I realized how lucky I was to have people like that in my life, one sister excluded, but it was fine. We sat there and ate our salads, drinking our Hawaiian Iced Teas and virgin ones for Tash, of course, joking and laughing. I had a great time. This really was the first time since the break up that I was actually at ease.
By the time I got back to my mother’s, I was feeling a lot better. Though this mood can only last so long in this house. Mommy dearest made sure of that. My mother and I had this relationship that was completely different from the ones she had with my sisters. Tash was the oldest and had the ideal life. A husband, two kids, a home and a secure future. Bea was the favorite, for whatever reasons she had. Nothing was wrong in her eyes when it came to Bea. Her pride and joy. And Melissa, she’s the youngest and as far as I’m concerned she wasn’t pressured in any way because of that.
But, with me, it’s a different story. With me, it’s a constant battle. She had this way of second guessing every decision I made, from the color of nail polish I chose to the career I had. The one thing she always fought with me about was men. It didn’t matter what kind of man I brought home, as long as I brought one home, she was fine. And she treated them better than she would have me any day. For a while, I brought the roughest guys around that I could find. If you’re standing on the corner with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other, I was all over you. My mother was the only person in the whole family that didn’t mind it at all. All my sisters thought I was crazy and they were right. It was crazy, but it drove me even crazier to know that she didn’t mind them at all.
For the last four years, it changed. Her calls changed. It went from the calls to make me feel like shit about myself to the calls to tell me how proud she was of me for finding the perfect man. He was the one for me. I had been with him the longest out of anyone I’d ever dated and she wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to mess it up. Even though she was absolutely sure that I would. So, when I called to ask to stay at her house for a few weeks, the first thing she said was, “What’d you do?” There was no concern for how I was feeling or what happened, everything was how I was so awful and terrible for doing this to him. It was what I did, not what he did. Even when I tried to explain, she always sided with him. It was a losing battle. Now, two weeks with the constant babble about, letting go of the best thing that happened to you, and, you’re too old now, whose going to love you? I’m ready to get out.
“Hey, Ma. I’m back”
“Did you guys have fun?”
“Yeah, it was fine. Bea didn’t show up, though.”
“Well, she’s busy, you know.”
“Yeah, I heard you say that earlier. “
There is a pause in her voice and I look over. She has this huge smile on her face.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“He came by looking for you.”
“Why?” My heart skips one more beat. I can’t believe he’d come here. He’s got some nerve.
“He just wanted to see if you were okay. Wasn’t that sweet of him? That he’s still concerned.”
“Yeah, I wonder how concerned he was when his hand was going upside my face.”
“He’s sorry for that, you know. He was under pressure. Not having a good job and all. He was feeling inadequate, being as you made so much more money than he did.”
“He should’ve been happy with that. I was taking care of his stupid butt.”
“It couldn’t have hurt if you let him be the man, you know.”
“So, what was I supposed to do? Leave a job that I love and that pays me well, so that my man can feel like a man?”
“It’s just that sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the relationship.”
“So, to be broke together would help the relationship? That makes a lot of sense. I’ve worked too hard for what I have. I don’t need someone coming in and messing it up. Besides, he knew what he was getting into with me. He knew I had goals. He had them too. I was just the one to actually go through with it.”
“See, that’s exactly what I mean. There you go again, degrading him. Imagine what he must have been feeling.”
“This conversation still has nothing to do with the fact that he tried to knock me out, does it?”
“I’m just saying, Lauren. That it wouldn’t hurt if you just ease up a little bit on the situation.”
“Mom, if Dad came in here right now and even thought about lifting his hand up to you, he’d be outta here so fast and you know it.”
“Your father and I aren’t you and him.”
“What’s the difference? Why would you rather me be in that situation than to be happy, Mom?”
“Because, you’re not happy. I see how you are. Moping around here. Not wanting to get out of bed. How is that good? You tell me.”
“Mom, I just got out of a four-year relationship! I’m supposed to be sad. I’m supposed to mope. I am sad! But, it doesn’t mean that I want to be with him either. What he did was unacceptable and no matter what we’ve been through or how long we’ve been together, it’s not going to change. Don’t you get it?”
“I just can’t see why you’re holding on to this so hard, that’s all?”
“HUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I can’t believe you!”
I stomp up the stairs to my old room and slam the door. I lean against the door as my eyes start to well up. I shake my head and the tears begin to fall on the floor and on my feet. I stay like that for a minute or so, sobbing. Thoughts were running all through my mind.
I can’t believe she’s so difficult to talk to. Everyone else tells me that I’ve done the right thing, leaving, but not her. No. She makes me feel like I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. How can I recover from this loss and disappointment when she’s constantly telling me it’s my fault? And why would she side with a guy over her own flesh and blood anyway? I’m her daughter. I’m the one she needs to take care of, not him. I’m the one that has done all these great things for me. All these things she’s never acknowledged. I did great in school; I have a great job, a nice place to live, a nice car. But, does she congratulate me on these achievements? No. She’s all about the negative. Why do I eat so much? Why don’t I wear more skirts? Why haven’t I gotten married yet? Why don’t I have any children? Will I? And that is just the tip of the ice berg. She complains that I never want to come and see her, but with conversations like the one we just had, who has time for the emotional drain.
I walk over to my bed and lean against the headboard. Looking out the window, I could see my dad trimming the hedges in the front yard. As if he could feel me staring, he turns up towards my room and waves his hand. I wave back and he blows a kiss and goes back to the hedges. I get up, pull the curtains closed, lay my head on my floral pillows and close my eyes.
I pulled the sheets from over my head. I can’t believe I used to love these floral sheets. How can you sleep in flowers? I looked at the clock by the table. 12:30 pm. I can’t believe I’ve slept so late. Then again I’ve been sleeping in the past two weeks. I rose up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Well, it was more like pushing my legs over the side of the bed. I put on my robe and opened the door. From the hallway, I could hear music and the vacuum going at the same time. It was ancient music. My grandfather used to make me listen to it when I was growing up. It always seemed so sad to me, like listening to the blues or love songs after a break up. Papa used to tell me that a good song would bring your emotions to life and in this instance, he was right. I couldn’t understand what the man was saying in the song, but I knew he was hurting. The strain in his voice made me feel like I wasn’t the only one in the world feeling pain. I get to the bathroom and look into the mirror above the sink. My eyes were puffed like I was just in the ring with De la Hoya. I need to stop doing this to myself or I’ll never leave this house. I turn to the tub to start a bath and hear my mother.
“Lauren, is that you?”
Who else would it be? “Yeah, Ma. It’s me. I was just going to take a bath. You need any help today?”
“No, I’m okay. You just take your bath. I’ll fix you some lunch.”
“I can make my own, you know.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to worry about it.”
“You just don’t like anyone in your kitchen,” I mimicked under my breath. As the steam from the water rose, leaving a mist, I stare at the mirror and say, “Tell me again, why I’m here?”
After the bath, I feel a little bit better.
“You’re still in your robe?” my mom said as I walked down the stairs. Almost immediately my mood changes.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ma.”
“Well, you never know if anyone will show up. It would be nice if you, at least, looked decent.”
“Ma, no one visits you and the people who do are your other daughters and they know what I’m going through, so they’re not expecting anything more than this from me, ok?”
“What if he comes by?”
“He won’t. If he knows what’s good for him, he won’t.”
“Lauren, don’t talk like that. It’s not lady-like.”
“Well Ma, I’m not really feeling like a lady right now.”
“I can tell. You haven’t much wanted to look like one either the last couple of weeks. Wearing that robe everyday and all. Anyways, I made you a sandwich and some hot tea.” She walks towards the kitchen, leaving me there with nothing more to say, I roll my eyes at the back of her head and follow her into the kitchen. I wish he would hurry up and move out, so I can have my apartment back. My great, spacious, nagging-mom-free apartment. After the split, I wanted him out of there. He needed some time to get his finances together and couldn’t move until the end of this month. I should have known better anyway than to get involved with a bartender. They make so little money sometimes.
So, here I am in my mother’s house where I’m transformed back to being 9 years old again. She thinks the break-up is entirely my fault. I tried to explain it to her, but she says she doesn’t understand. I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t understand; I think it’s more she won’t understand.
“I want you to drink the tea, Lauren. This tea, it’s good for your soul.”
“Yeah, Ma. What hole in the wall shop from Chinatown told you that?”
“No store has to tell me, I know these things. Thirty years in America and I still remember old remedies my mother and grandmother passed down to me. As for you, hush with your smart talk and drink the tea.”
“Don’t be silly, there’s no soda in this house. There was none when you were younger and there certainly isn’t any now.”
“Really? You don’t have soda? I always thought you lied to us, so we would drink more water.”
“Why would I have to lie to you, when I can just tell you that you can’t have it?”
“I guess you’re right.”
“I know I’m right. Now, drink the tea.”
The doorbell rings and I look up. My heart skips one beat.
“See, I told you, you should be dressed.”
“Ma, did you have anything to do with whoever that is?”
“Nonsense, I’ve been down here cleaning all morning.”
She opens the door and smiles. Tash walks in with her two boys. I jumped from the table. They are about the only people that can still make me smile right now.
“Hey, babies! How are my favorite nephews?”
“Fine, Auntie,” they say in unison. Alex is 8 and Matt 5. The pride and joy of my father. He struck out four times with me and my three sisters, but Tash had given him what he always wanted. I gave them both a hug and they ran off into the living room.
“So, how are you today?” Tash looks at me with sympathetic eyes in a way that only my older sister could.
“I’m alright. It’s actually not as bad as everyone thinks,” I say to her, looking in my mother’s direction. I was already sick of people feeling sorry for me.
“You know she wasn’t out of bed until about an hour or so ago,” my mother says as she walks by.
“So what, Ma. I was tired. Don’t blame that on him.”
“Well, you are the one that is always up at the butt crack of dawn, Lauren. Always a meeting, always an interview, always something to do,” Tash says a little concerned about what my mother just said.
“I know, but I just wish everyone would give it a rest already. I won’t get over this if I have to relive every aspect of the relationship whenever people come to ‘see how I’m doing’. She hates when I sarcastically use my fingers for quotes. I do it just to bug her. I walked into the living room and pretend to be interested in the Sponge Bob cartoon on the television. Tash sat down next to me and smoothed away wet hair from my eyes, and I can’t help but put my head on her lap. She stroked my hair as I lay silent. Even at 30, she’s the ideal mom. She always knows when something is wrong and always has a solution to fix it. I can talk to her about anything, whereas, anything I tell my mother would be used against me.
“All these people that have come to see me, you know the one person who hasn’t?”
“Let me guess. Bea?”
“You know her so well,” I said again in my sarcastic tone.
“Well you how she is. Were you expecting anything more?”
“I guess I figured this was such a big break up that she would at least have been worried about me. We were together for four years, you know?”
“I know.”
“Bea is really busy. She doesn’t have time to just sit around crying and watching TV like you, Lauren,” my mom interjects from the kitchen.
“Of course, Ma. Bea has so much going on...with all her jobs and all her boyfriends.” The last part I said under my breath.
“Now, Lauren. It’s not nice to talk about your sis like that. She is still older than you.” Tash was straight old school. She was only three when my parents came to America and my mom raised her the old fashioned way. Marriage before sex, take care of your kids and husband, always do the cooking and cleaning. Lucky for her though, she met a guy that wasn’t into the woman’s role is at home thing, so they share household duties. Anyways, respect for anyone older than you was a big thing for her. Me, Bea and Melissa, on the other hand, were born and raised in Oakland, so we lacked a lot in the cultural values that Tash had. But as I always say, “When in Rome...”
“Tash, don’t take her side. You know she’s wrong for not even coming by. She hasn’t even called. Mel just tells me that they’ve talked about it and she’s worried.”
“Well, there you go. At least you know she is worried.”
“That’s not the point. She can talk to other people about me behind my back, but she can’t even come by to see if I’m okay.”
“Ok, that’s enough negative talk.” Alex is looking back at us curiously. Tash was always on mom duty. “C’mon, I’ll leave the kids here for the rest of the afternoon and me and you’ll go get some real lunch,” winking at me. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Okay, but I get to pick. I don’t want to go to anyone of your little health food restaurants in Berkeley. We’re going to Mills for a hoagie. You want me out, we’re eating what I want.” “Mom. Can I have a hoagie too?” Alex looks up from the screen with these big, wide eyes.
“Absolutely not. I’ve already made sandwiches for you and Matt. And we are not going to Mills. Their food is disgusting, too greasy.” She shivers a little thinking about it. “We can go to Fridays or Applebee’s or some place like that. I’ll give you those, but not Mills. You’re not killing yourself with me around.”
“Okay fine, Fridays, but you’re paying and I’m drinking,” I say with a smile.
“Of course you are, sweetie, of course you are,” Tash sighs as I climb the stairs to my old room. “Hurry up, Mel’s going to meet us.”
“Hawaiian Iced Tea, please,” I look at our waiter for a little eye contact, but he didn’t even look up from his notepad. Short brown hair, blue eyes. He was cute.
“And for you ma’am?”
“Oh, I’ll have a regular iced tea with no alcohol, please. Thank you.”
“Thanks,” I say as he walks away.
“Lauren, I don’t know how you can do it. Drinking so early in the day.”
“It’s 2 in the afternoon, Tash. The sun doesn’t have to be down in order for you to enjoy a nice drink.”
“I know. It’s just that, you haven’t even had anything to eat yet and you’ll be done with that before lunch comes.”
“Tash, would you stop being mom for a minute please.”
“I know, I’m sorry, sweetie.”
“You’re too uptight; you need to loosen up some.”
“I’m loose.”
“Yeah. Right. You’re loose, like that outfit you’re wearing.”
“What’s wrong with my outfit?”
“Oh, nothing. It just looks like you should be in that movie “Pleasantville” or something.”
“I am a mother of two very impressionable little boys. Having their mother walk around dressed like some hooch is not the look I’m going for. Did we come out for you to ridicule me?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“You know I don’t like to be judged.”
“I know. Anyways. Where’s Mel?” I needed some serious back up here.
“Speak of the devil,” Tashsays looking behind me. I turn around to see my baby sister walking towards us. She smiles and waves. She’s so adorably cute, I think to myself. The short-cut jean skirt, tight-fitted polo shirt, sandals and backpack make her look like she jumped straight out of an A&F ad. Me, on the other hand. I put an outfit like that on and I look disproportionate. My legs are way too short.
“Hey guys, was sup?”
“Hey,” we both say back.
“Uh oh, I feel tension. What did I miss?”
“Oh, nothing much. You’re sister is just sitting here making fun of me,” Tashsays teasingly.
“I am not. I just told her the she looked like she belonged in “Pleasantville”.
“That’s mean, Lauren. You know she’s old and don’t know any better.”
“Okay, you too better behave. Or no more drinks,” Tash says pointing that mom figure at both of us.
“Yeah, drinks,” Melissa says excited. She just started drinking, no thanks to me, only about two months strong and she can hang with the rest of us. I was proud.
“Did you guys order yet?”
“No, the guy took our drink order, but hasn’t come back yet. He was a little rude too. Did you see how he didn’t even acknowledge us?” I look at Tash for some reinforcement.
“He wasn’t that rude,” she looked at Melissa and says, “I think Lauren’s just mad because she wants him to notice her. And who wouldn’t want to notice her. Look at her, in her sweats and that t-shirt. Very attractive, I might add.”
“I didn’t know I had to get all dressed up to go to lunch.”
“Don’t give her so much grief, Tash,” Melissa says. “She’s in mourning, you know.”
“You guys act like someone died. No one is dead. I’m not dead. He’s not dead. He’s very much alive, actually, living right now, in my house. I’m stuck in home-maker hell while he’s living in my great two bedrooms, two bath, high-ceilinged, hardwood-floored apartment with the great view of the Lake.”
“You’re the one who let him stay. If it were me, he’d been out on the street.”
“I couldn’t throw him out. He didn’t have anything or anywhere to go.”
“Don’t pay attention to her, Lauren. She’s being silly. You’re doing the right thing by giving him some time to get it together. You’re being the bigger person.” Tash always knew just what to say.
“Well, if I’m such the bigger person, then why do I feel like shit?”
“It’s hard to explain, but pain comes from love and you know you love him, right? So just let the pain take over a little bit and you’ll overcome it. It’s like everything else you’ve done in your life. You’re faced with certain battles and you always come out on top, Lauren.”
“I guess you’re right. You do know what just to say to make everything feel okay.”
“I’m your big sis; it’s what I’m here for.”
“Yeah, well I wish sometimes Mom would see the situation like you’re seeing it. She’s been in my ear for the past two weeks telling me what a mistake I’m making. How I’m too old already and I’ll never find anyone else that will want me the way he did.”
“I know its hard living with her, but it’s only until the end of the month. He will be gone and you can have your apartment back.”
“I know, but it’s nerve-racking when your own mother will side with your abusive boyfriend rather than you. Not a good feeling, you know.”
“I know. Remember how she was with me when Greg asked me to marry him and I wasn’t sure? She looked like she wanted to punch me in the face. Like I was crazy for wanting to think it over.”
“C’mon, you guys. She’s not that bad. She’s only being mom,” Melissa gets a little defensive. She thinks we misunderstand our mother.
“You’ve got no idea how hard it is. You’re the baby are treated like that even though you’re 21,” I said back to her.
“I just don’t like it when you guys gang up on her.”
“Okay, then. Let’s gang up on someone else,” I say to lighten up the mood a little. I can tell that Melissa is not appreciating our conversation much.
As soon as I say that, the three of us all looked at each other and said, in unison, “Bea!” We all laughed just as the rude, but cute, waiter comes with our drinks.
“Oh, Lauren. That looks good. I’ll have one of those, please,” she says looking up at the waiter. He smiles at her.
“I already checked their IDs, so I guess I don’t have to check yours. Even though you look too young for a drink that strong,” he said smiling at her.
“Don’t let the look fool you, I can hang with the rest of them,” she said to him pointing at me. He doesn’t even look my way. They were totally flirting with each other. I should have known. The guys that are into her are never into me.
“Achemm. Can we order, please?” I had to call both of them back into reality. Tash looked away and Melissa looked a little embarrassed, but shook it off.
“What would you suggest...uuhhh,” she was looking for a name tag.
“It’s Troy. What are you in the mood for?” He leans over me so she can get a better look. I roll my eyes the other way and open my menu just big enough to slap him across the chest. He stood back up.
“Well, Troy, I’ll have the chicken caesar salad,” I said to break the eye contact. He looks at me and quickly jots down the order. Tash orders a Chinese chicken salad and his gaze quickly fixes back onto Melissa.
“I guess I’ll have a salad as well, since everyone else is having one.”
“The blackened chicken salad is really good,” Troy offered. “You should try it.”
“That sounds great, Troy.”
“Okay, blackened chicken, it is,” he smiled and walked away.
“It’s funny how he didn’t offer us any help with our order, huh Tash?”
“Man, Lauren, you were on hater patrol right there.” Melissa laughed at me.
“I was not. He was all leaning over me. It was rude.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
As I sat there at the table with my sisters, I realized how lucky I was to have people like that in my life, one sister excluded, but it was fine. We sat there and ate our salads, drinking our Hawaiian Iced Teas and virgin ones for Tash, of course, joking and laughing. I had a great time. This really was the first time since the break up that I was actually at ease.
By the time I got back to my mother’s, I was feeling a lot better. Though this mood can only last so long in this house. Mommy dearest made sure of that. My mother and I had this relationship that was completely different from the ones she had with my sisters. Tash was the oldest and had the ideal life. A husband, two kids, a home and a secure future. Bea was the favorite, for whatever reasons she had. Nothing was wrong in her eyes when it came to Bea. Her pride and joy. And Melissa, she’s the youngest and as far as I’m concerned she wasn’t pressured in any way because of that.
But, with me, it’s a different story. With me, it’s a constant battle. She had this way of second guessing every decision I made, from the color of nail polish I chose to the career I had. The one thing she always fought with me about was men. It didn’t matter what kind of man I brought home, as long as I brought one home, she was fine. And she treated them better than she would have me any day. For a while, I brought the roughest guys around that I could find. If you’re standing on the corner with a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other, I was all over you. My mother was the only person in the whole family that didn’t mind it at all. All my sisters thought I was crazy and they were right. It was crazy, but it drove me even crazier to know that she didn’t mind them at all.
For the last four years, it changed. Her calls changed. It went from the calls to make me feel like shit about myself to the calls to tell me how proud she was of me for finding the perfect man. He was the one for me. I had been with him the longest out of anyone I’d ever dated and she wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to mess it up. Even though she was absolutely sure that I would. So, when I called to ask to stay at her house for a few weeks, the first thing she said was, “What’d you do?” There was no concern for how I was feeling or what happened, everything was how I was so awful and terrible for doing this to him. It was what I did, not what he did. Even when I tried to explain, she always sided with him. It was a losing battle. Now, two weeks with the constant babble about, letting go of the best thing that happened to you, and, you’re too old now, whose going to love you? I’m ready to get out.
“Hey, Ma. I’m back”
“Did you guys have fun?”
“Yeah, it was fine. Bea didn’t show up, though.”
“Well, she’s busy, you know.”
“Yeah, I heard you say that earlier. “
There is a pause in her voice and I look over. She has this huge smile on her face.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“He came by looking for you.”
“Why?” My heart skips one more beat. I can’t believe he’d come here. He’s got some nerve.
“He just wanted to see if you were okay. Wasn’t that sweet of him? That he’s still concerned.”
“Yeah, I wonder how concerned he was when his hand was going upside my face.”
“He’s sorry for that, you know. He was under pressure. Not having a good job and all. He was feeling inadequate, being as you made so much more money than he did.”
“He should’ve been happy with that. I was taking care of his stupid butt.”
“It couldn’t have hurt if you let him be the man, you know.”
“So, what was I supposed to do? Leave a job that I love and that pays me well, so that my man can feel like a man?”
“It’s just that sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the relationship.”
“So, to be broke together would help the relationship? That makes a lot of sense. I’ve worked too hard for what I have. I don’t need someone coming in and messing it up. Besides, he knew what he was getting into with me. He knew I had goals. He had them too. I was just the one to actually go through with it.”
“See, that’s exactly what I mean. There you go again, degrading him. Imagine what he must have been feeling.”
“This conversation still has nothing to do with the fact that he tried to knock me out, does it?”
“I’m just saying, Lauren. That it wouldn’t hurt if you just ease up a little bit on the situation.”
“Mom, if Dad came in here right now and even thought about lifting his hand up to you, he’d be outta here so fast and you know it.”
“Your father and I aren’t you and him.”
“What’s the difference? Why would you rather me be in that situation than to be happy, Mom?”
“Because, you’re not happy. I see how you are. Moping around here. Not wanting to get out of bed. How is that good? You tell me.”
“Mom, I just got out of a four-year relationship! I’m supposed to be sad. I’m supposed to mope. I am sad! But, it doesn’t mean that I want to be with him either. What he did was unacceptable and no matter what we’ve been through or how long we’ve been together, it’s not going to change. Don’t you get it?”
“I just can’t see why you’re holding on to this so hard, that’s all?”
“HUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I can’t believe you!”
I stomp up the stairs to my old room and slam the door. I lean against the door as my eyes start to well up. I shake my head and the tears begin to fall on the floor and on my feet. I stay like that for a minute or so, sobbing. Thoughts were running all through my mind.
I can’t believe she’s so difficult to talk to. Everyone else tells me that I’ve done the right thing, leaving, but not her. No. She makes me feel like I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. How can I recover from this loss and disappointment when she’s constantly telling me it’s my fault? And why would she side with a guy over her own flesh and blood anyway? I’m her daughter. I’m the one she needs to take care of, not him. I’m the one that has done all these great things for me. All these things she’s never acknowledged. I did great in school; I have a great job, a nice place to live, a nice car. But, does she congratulate me on these achievements? No. She’s all about the negative. Why do I eat so much? Why don’t I wear more skirts? Why haven’t I gotten married yet? Why don’t I have any children? Will I? And that is just the tip of the ice berg. She complains that I never want to come and see her, but with conversations like the one we just had, who has time for the emotional drain.
I walk over to my bed and lean against the headboard. Looking out the window, I could see my dad trimming the hedges in the front yard. As if he could feel me staring, he turns up towards my room and waves his hand. I wave back and he blows a kiss and goes back to the hedges. I get up, pull the curtains closed, lay my head on my floral pillows and close my eyes.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I'm in D.C.
Hello All, This past week has been quite eventful for me. I left all that I love behind to venture out in a search to answer the question that I've been asking myself for the last 4 years now..."What do I want to be when I grow up?" A week in DC and I still don't have an answer, but I have great stories that will amuse you all as I continue my search... I arrived into Washington Dulles airport Friday morning not having gotten much rest due to a mixture of airplane crampiness and excitement. With my sisters in tow (minus Thai, of course), I was ready to face DC. The next couple of days were shopping and sight-seeing and making myself familiar with my new neighborhood and city. The heat was intense...91 degrees with 65% humidity is something that I definitely have to get used to. Everyone keeps warning me that the heat is something that you can get used to, but the winters will be what I really want to complain about, especially coming from San Francisco where 56 degrees is freezing! I keep thinking, "Oh joy! I can't wait!" I am renting a house with two other women in the Shaw district of DC. Colleen and Jeunae. Colleen is 26 and Howard alum. She's was born in Wisconsin, but grew up in Arizona and has been in DC for the past three years. Jeunae is 24 and a Stanford alum. She was born and raised in New Jersey and then spent 4 years in California for school. The three of us are recent college graduates, so that gives us one thing in common. Our schedules are pretty different so we don't see too much of each other. Colleen is a homebody so I've seen more of her than Jeunae which I've seen only twice in the past week, both times were running into each other in the hallway. I live about three blocks from Howard University's main campus so my neighborhood is full of college students. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet, but so far I'm okay. My roommates keep talking about Howard Homecoming and how crazy things will get. I hope they mean what happens on campus and not in our house. I've met three of my neighbors. One, a married couple, Fleur and Dan. Dan works for the foreign service and was stationed in Germany until a few weeks ago. Fleur is happy that he's home. I'm not sure what Fleur does for a living, but she's always in the backyard looking at her flowers, glass on wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. The next neighbor I met is a divorced police officer with a 12 year old son. He is about 40 years old and has a crush on Colleen. He makes dinner every night and then sends his son across the street with a plate for her. It felt like a scene from a movie. People really do that?!?! My other neighbor is a senior at Howard named Mike. He's 23 and likes to sit on his stoop. Oh and I almost forgot...I have a stoop too! I've always wanted a stoop to sit on since I saw Crooklyn...I try to sit out there as much as possible, but the mosquitoes are out and I don't like how they look at my legs. I got assigned to a temporary job in downtown DC at a place called The Greater Miami Conventions & Visitors Bureau as an administrative assistant to a very nice woman, Michelle Soto. When a company wants to hold a meeting or a convention in Miami, they would have to go through the GMCVB. We get all the meeting specifications from the client and book with a hotel in Miami. My job is answer the phones, type up sales leads, email meeting specifications to other reps that are involved with each client. The company is based in Miami, obviously, and Michelle does a lot of work remotely. It's just she and I right now and so I am very involved, more so than I thought I would be. On my first day, she gave me a crash course of the office and the business. With the seven years of administrative experience with N&F, I was confident I could take it on. After my second day, Michelle asked if I was interested in becoming her permanent assistant! I haven't made a decision yet, but it looks like I'll stay. Then there's KICKBALL. First I'd just like to say that I SUCK! I haven't played kickball since fifth grade so it was an experience. Our team's name is Bunting is the new Black...I know a lot to put on a shirt, but there it is. The World Adult Kickball Association (WAKA) is sponsored by a local bar called Nolan's which is conveniently located a block from Marie Reed Fields where we play. Adams Morgan is the area which reminiscent of The Haight in San Francisco. The teams meet at the bar before or after, sometimes both, the game to hang out and have beer drinking flip-cup challenges with the other teams. I played my first game of kickball and flip-up on Wednesday and I was successful in only one of the two...Of course I would be an expert at any game involving beer. I'm told I'm now an asset to the team. My team is co-ed and they are really great people to know. Garen, the team captain and the reason I joined the team was especially interested in introducing me to as many people as she could throughout the entire night. Good and bad. Pamela just moved here from Los Angeles, so we have the California bond going for us. Richard works at a consulting firm and tells me they are always ready to higher English majors for writing proposals...More on that when I get more from him. Kelsey is from Seattle, but has become very involved in the Bay Area's "hyphy movement". She wanted to tell her all about my growing up in Oakland. She even named her pet turtles...Mac Dre and Mac Mall...(Erin, I know you're laughing). And last of all there's Sean, who has an amazing voice. Did I mention that Wednesday nights at Nolan's is also Karaoke night? When he got on stage and sang Bobby Brown's "Don't Be Cruel", I almost fell off the bar stool. These are only a few of my teammates. More on the rest as I get to know them myself. Oh! And we lost, but that didn't matter. We had a great time! Well, I guess this is all for now. I wanted to let you all know how things are going for me here. I will definitely keep all of you posted with every step I take in this awesome adventure. I miss you all so much already, but will press on. I'll talk to you all soon. MUAH!!!!!!
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