Mark

I’ve been sleepy and tired all week. Starting to take naps at every break I could. Eating like I had never eaten before. I just shook it off though. I had just recently started a second job ending every night at midnight so I figured my body was just getting used to the new schedule. Anyways I was concentrating on my big weekend. A whole weekend full of fun and relaxation. I would love it. I woke up Saturday morning with the worst stomach-ache. Gosh. What did I eat yesterday? I had to get ready so I quickly put it to the back of my head. I could just get a ginger ale on the way up to Napa. I was asleep the whole way. I was so tired and my usual car sickness worsened especially along the curves of he 37. I started to be upset; I refused to be sick on my birthday. This was going to be a great one; not as crazy as the rest had been. It started out bad and kept getting worse and worse as the day progressed. It was so frustrating to me because it was right in the in between stage. I wasn’t sick enough to be in bed but I was sick enough to complain. I must have been the worse company. Everybody was so nice to me though. They treated me like a princess. On the ride back home, my best friend asked me a simple question. And as I thought about the answer, my mind began running in circles. Now I’m freaked out. What do I do first? Who should I tell? Who’s going to help me? So many questions! How am I going to answer all of them? I decide I needed results. I must have spent an hour at the pharmacy trying to figure out which would be the most efficient. I finally choose one and went home with butterflies in my stomach. The lady at the register smiles at me and says, “Good luck.” I’m not sure which way she means for that statement to go so I just smile and say, "Thanks." The minutes lasted like what seemed to be hours. Finally, I look at it and look over at my friends. I can’t figure out how to read it. One comes over and she’s unsure too. I’m frustrated now because I want to know. Three positive answers later, I had my answers. The thought of it made me dizzy. I had to sit down. I looked around the room at these two smiling faces and I wondered why they were so happy about this? Were they really happy or were they just trying not to freak me out? How would I tell my friends? How would I tell my family? And oh gawd…how would I tell him? We weren’t on the best of terms. Breaking up and getting back together for the last couple of years now. How could I have made a mistake like this? What would happen? I was so confused. Where do I begin? What would I do first? My life would be completely different and that was the only thing I was absolutely sure of.

HISTORY

Most of us view history as a study of the past for those of us in the future to look back on for change or even reassurance. As Barack Obama was announced the 44th President-Elect, I recognized that I had become a part of history. In the future when children and teachers in classrooms talk about the first ever elected African American President, I can say that I remember this exact moment. The emotions I am feeling; the love and support I see around me; the idea that we can come together as a nation to make a change that is so necessary and is a long time coming. I do also want to say that although we are rejoicing in this monumental acheivement, we also need to be aware that this is not the end, but the very beginning of a journey that will continually be history in the making! Here is my favorite excerpt from Obama's acceptance speech last night:

"For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow."

This is just the beginning for us!

Rantings of a Maniac

Look, I know you’ve got some mixed feelings about us and our relationship right now, but before you end it, you’ve gotta hear me out. I know deep down you really don’t want to let me go. I know you really wanna know why I thought it was a good idea to go through your phone book and call each and every single girl in it. I wanted to see if they had or still have any kind of a romantic relationship with you that could turn into something intimate. You have to realize that I only did it because of my passion and love for you. The love that is so strong in my heart that it compels me to do things like this phone book incident and the showing up at your house in the middle of the night incident and the calling you thirty times a day and the hanging around your job until you got off work. I do all this because I love you so much. I act out in wonder, curiosity and rage when you don’t tell me the whole truth when I ask for specifics about the women in your life. There’s Marie, for instance, who I’ve talked to over and over again. She keeps insisting that you guys are just friends, but I know she’s lying because I can hear it in her voice. When she’s talking to me, I get this feeling like there’s something going on with the two of you, maybe before or even now. I also get this feeling that she wants to be romantically involved with you or wants to be your woman. That would make her a filthy slut because she knows that I’m your girl.
I can’t imagine why someone would want someone that’s already taken. How could you even consider having sex with her. If you are, then just let me know because I don’t want to get in the way of your pleasure. It’s obvious that if you’d rather have sex with other people, then you aren’t satisfied with me, but how could you not be? You seem to like it a lot unless you’ve been faking it this whole time. Then...ohmygawd, are you breaking up with me because I’m bad in bed?

Estelle

She knew that the move was the best for her. She was the girl that wanted the romance and love from all the wrong people. There were plenty of people who would have loved her. Who would have been the one to support all her endeavours and be committed to everything she wanted in a relationship. But these people, she could not or rather would not have anything to do with. She was all about the challenge. She wanted to know that she won and the prize was something no one else could get. There was nothing more satisfying than that feeling of accomplishment. It felt as good as finishing that great book that you know you will always quote from. Like a J. Austen novel made her feel. But then she finally had taken control of her life. When things ended with Casey, she knew that her life would never be the same. She knew that he had made her realize that she walked a path of destruction. She knew that she needed a change. The first big change being where she lived. She had changed her environment first be able to to begin healing and changing herself. Having grown up in the Bay Area of California she wanted a change that was shocking enough but not so drastic that she would give up immediately. She knew the east coast was the place, not too far and not too close. He mom and sisters would be throwing enough of a fit already at the idea of her move, but anything further than a five hour flight would be too much for them. DC was the place she knew she wanted to be. Even in high school she wanted to leave after senior year and be in DC. She was talked out of it by her high school boyfriend thus beginning her destructive judgment when it came to her lovers. She used to make excuses for her behavior while with Landyn because she was so young and inexperienced, but as she fixated only on a certain dramatic characteristic she grew to realize that it wasn’t youth that made her act the way she did then. It was a lack of knowledge of herself. She knew exactly what she wanted, but until now, did not know how to communicate it with herself or others. Her needs were completely lost and she wouldn’t be able to retrieve them until years later.

Billy

I’m not sure I want to go out tonight.

Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. Please…for me? She says. I know she's batting those thick eyelashes of hers. I couldn’t help it.

Fine, I’ll go, but don’t expect me to have fun.

You’ll have fun…after a few drinks.

Yeah, I guess you’re right. I sighed. At that, we both laughed.

She had been so good to me since the move. The city felt so foreign to me, although I lived only fifteen minutes away my whole life. But she, having grown up in the city, knew exactly where to go and how to get there. I appreciated that.

I’ll meet you there in an hour.

Ok, see ya there!

I hang the phone up and walk to my closet. What to wear…what to wear, I think to myself as I brush my hands across my shirts that were hanging. The day had been wet and cold, as usual for January, so the short black mini was definitely out. Jeans and a nice plain tee and jacket would do nicely.

An hour and a half later, outfit, hair, make-up done, I’m standing at the bar, alone. It was pretty crowded, as expected for a Saturday night. A woman was yelling to everyone in the bar to go upstairs for cake. I guess it’s her birthday. As I smile at her hanging from the railing, my cell buzzes in my jacket pocket. I scramble to pick it up.

Hey! We are totally running late, she screams in my ear.

Yeah? Wait…we? I knew this was a set-up.

I’ve got two people with me.

Who?

You’ll see. We’re walking up now.

I shut the flip down on my cell and automatically look at the door. I wonder who she could be bringing. The door opens again and I see them. I hadn’t seen him is a while. I smile. He smiles back. I walk over.

Hey you! I didn’t know you were coming? I say to him.

Well, I decided last minute to join you guys.

Ok, then let’s drink. I say. Then notice someone else.

Hi, I say to him offering my hand. He takes it lightly and introduces himself. I smile at him and think to myself that I was glad I came out.

I'm a FRAUD!

DUDE...! I am such a fraud! I just figured this out the other day.

Here is how I happened upon my fraudness:

I left work on Monday not really motivated to work out and decided that shopping would be the better exercise for me. I went to an area of D.C. called Friendship Heights where I knew I could get my Santa Fe salad from the Cheesecake Factory and MJ's Daisy all on the same block. I was on a mission! After a satisfactory salad and too much bread and soda, I went rummaging through sale racks and sniffing perfumes and cologne.


When I walked out of the shops, Daisy and shirt in bag, I wasn't ready to go home and looked up to see a Borders! What better way to kill some time then to spend it looking up books! I wandered in and first looked at the "sale" bin and seeing it was full of pretty flowered post it notes and Hannah Montana calendars, I quickly retreated to the Children's Books section. With my niece's birthday and a friend's baby shower coming up, I looked at what fun educational book I could get for them as I am notorious for the learning toys. 20 minutes pass quickly and with nothing impressive, I walk towards my favorite section: Literature. There I spent another 20-30 minutes skimming through each aisle picking up a few that caught my eye, reading the inserts to get a more accurate account of each story, and taking in the smell of new books. This is my "happy place"!


The smile slowly creeps away from my face as I read the title of the next book I pick up, "First They Killed My Father: A Daughter Cambodia Remembers" by Loung Ung. There is a slight pain that is shooting in my chest. On the cover, a young girl with a piece of paper covering her nose and mouth with a name and number on it used by the infamous Khmer Rouge who terrorized Cambodia for the better end of the 70's. I looked into the girls eyes and thought for a moment that I should relate to this girl because we descent from the same people. I should know what her struggles were/are and I should be proud that the author is able to now voice this tragic story for others to read. The reality is that I had nothing in common with this girl. I was a born American and lived a very American life. I knew nothing about being enslaved by a group of people and forced to work long hours with no pay and scraps to eat. I am American...I had a highschool sweetheart...learned how to drive at 16...celebrated national holidays...watched cartoons on Sunday mornings...I only knew how to be an American. Yes, I learned my native language and yes, I knew how to be respectful of my elders, but I had no idea what I would do if ever I were left in Cambodia alone. I would be LOST!

After finding a desk nearest to me, I sat down and skimmed through the book. I read excerpts from the book which made my heart cry out even more. She, having gone through this horrific experience, is smiling on the back of the book. I felt like a fraud! I moved to D.C. to write my novel, but instead of being inspired by my culture and history, I am inspired by past relationships and those of my friends. All of a sudden, I thought to all the pages and words I had written and felt them unworthy compared to this novel. How could I put so much thought and effort into such a frivolous subject!

So here in lies my problem...Am I a fraud for not knowing my history as I should? or Am I a fraud for writing about love and relationships when there are so many other problems that weigh so much more in the world?

Why I Think The World Will End Soon...

When moving to the other side of the country, I acknowledged the fact that the severe weather change would be difficult for my sensitive native Californian self, but I did not think that Mother Nature would put me through the ringer as she has been doing the last 8 months. My closet has turned from year round clothes to seasonal wardrobe which isn't terrible because shopping is fun for me. I thought Winter would be the toughest for me with rain and snow and 20 degree weather, but it turns out that I was so so wrong. We are technically still in Spring seeing as the Summer is 12 days away and the sun is fierce! I was definitely not prepared for the 95 degrees; 100 with humidity; thunder; lightning; with storms so hard that it that when getting caught in it last week, I was so soaking wet that not only did my cell get water-damage, but my sneakers took two whole days and a round in the dryer to be wearable again.

Just last weekend, me and roommates and friends had a BBQ at home which looked like it would be a great day. About 10 minutes after putting the meat on the grill, the sky started to roar and lightning shot through the clouds as the rain began to pour. And poor Mikey ran back and forth from our back door to the grill to check on the food. His clothes and shoes drenched even the next day from a storm that lasted about an hour. With every lightning both we both ducked as if they were aimed directly at us. And with every duck of the head, we laughed. It was nice that there was another native Californian to share in this experience. After the storm passed, the rest of the day was perfect. It was as if there had been no storm at all. This weather, I tell ya!

This weekend was much of the same. Lightning and thunder and rain for 20 minutes, which made me cancel and remake plans for the night. I went back and forth about whether I should be out or not. I opted for out after the rain seemed like it wasn't returning and thankfully, it didn't. The night was beautiful until the next day when I woke up in a pool of my own sweat realizing that it was about 80 degrees at 8am. It didn't stop there though, as the day progressed so did the heat and humidity. The higher the temperature, the humity added another 5 degrees. As I sat in my living room still as can be and trying to stay cool, the thought crossed my mind that this is just not normal. I mean how can it be this hot with no sign of of it letting up? In that moment I was convinced that Mother Nature is telling us that we are done! WOW! What an epiphany!