When Its Cold Outside...

After a long day of revising briefs, arranging meetings, finalizing menus, and basically running around after the partners, I slipped off my heels and into my fur lined boots, wrapped my scarf around my neck, buttoned up my wool coat and readied myself to face the 30 degree weather. As I walked out the lobby door, a gush of wind flew across my face. I stopped right in my tracks because although I was bundled up, my face was still exposed and that gush felt like a slap across my cheeks. I took in a deep breath and began the short walk to the train station. Once there, I was happy to remove my gloves and reach for my latest treat, my book. 8 stops later and I had gloves on, rebuttoned my coat and was ready to face the cold again. The walk home was short, but definitely not sweet. In the cold, I always try to walk at a quicker pace than my usual Cali stroll. Once I get to the hill that is both my friend and enemy in my quest towards my home, I take in another deep breath and start. Once in apartment, I immediately begin to strip away all the layers that remind me of this wretched cold.

Dinner and wine and now cuddled up in my bed with my book, I hear the wind blowing outside. I take a moment to take in the weather and begin to feel nostalic for love or the comfort of being in love which as we know has two completely different meanings. Instead of going back to my reading, I decided to look up poems by a poet I have been newly introduced to...Khalil Gibran. How I hadn't heard from him before now, I don't know, but his writings have become a great influence and comfort for me. In searching through all the many poems and beginning to feel more calm because great writing has that effect on me. I then came across a poem by Khalil Gibran and as I read it the cold seemed to draft away from me. I became calmed and ready for bed. Here is an excerpt from the poem to share with you guys.

Winter

Come close to me, oh companion of my full life;
Come close to meand let not Winter's touch
Enter between us. Sit by me beforethe hearth,
For fireis the only fruit of Winter.
Speak to me of the glory of your heart, for
That is greater than the shrieking elements
Beyond our door.
Bind the door and seal the transoms, for the
Angry countenance of the heaven depresses my
Spirit, and the face of our snow-laden fields
Make my soul cry.
Feed the lamp with oil and let it not dim, and
Place it by you, so I can read with tears what
Your life with me has written upon your face.
Bring Autumn's wine. Let us drink and sing the
Song of remembrance to Spring's carefree sowing,
And Summer's watchful tending, and Autumn's
Reward in harvest.
Come close to me, oh beloved of my soul; the
Fire is cooling and fleeing under the ashes.
Embrace me, for I fear lonliness; the lamp is
Dim, and the wine which we pressed is closing
Our eyes. Let us look upon each other before
They are shut.
Find me with your arms and embrace me; let
Slumber then embrace our souls as one.
Kiss me, my beloved, for Winter has stolen
All but our moving lips.
You are close by me, My Forever.
How deep and wide will be the ocean of Slumber,
And how recent was the dawn!

-Khalil Gibran

So Bounce Then

So bounce then...

As I heard it, I knew then it was over. This moment was not about discussions of the past and attempting to make sense of the insensible. This moment was real and hard as a rock. He was hard as a rock, but then again why wouldn’t he be? His life contained this metal-like toughness; this impenetrable force of a man that needed no one, but at the same time infected me with this craving of him. Can you see the imbalance of that? I didn’t…at first. I knew this was exactly what a “real” relationship would be like. Blood, sweat, and tears…literally. Nothing in life comes easy, so why should I expect love to be exempt? I convinced myself of this theory. I took my list of demands and worked through them efficiently and effectively daily…or so I thought. Criticism was a constant response. Appreciation came far and few between. Love was just an abstract notion, almost non-existent. But, that was what I was working towards. I was determined that the insecurities, yearning, and disappointment would somehow earn me the love I desired; his love. But alas, this was not the reality. I could feel it. I could see it, but still I pushed through it. There would be brightness in the end. The struggle is always in the beginning. If I hang on, he’ll see I’m worth it. I kept repeating these lines to myself; in the mirror, to those that would listen, and in my head. These lines pulled me through when I thought I would break. These lines and my love kept me warm at night when he wasn’t holding me. These lines comforted me through lonely dinners and single seated movies. These lines kept the relationship alive. These lines also made sure I kept on track of his program because after all, this was not mine. Nothing was mine. Everything was his. I appreciated his headstrong attitude, but became easily discouraged when it seemingly was directed towards me more often than not. I began to feel on edge with every day. My mood, my day, my happiness, my life had taken a pause until a green light was given. And even with the go, it could still be misdirection if I wasn’t careful in my words and my actions. Walking on eggshells was out of character for me and all that knew could see it, but continued to be supportive, because that’s just what we do for people we love. I was losing sight of myself; slowly, but surely. I became unsure of every thought, every action, everything. I had become a disgusting and sad version of this once strong, intelligent, funny, outgoing version of me. I was continuously unhappy even after encouraging him to help with a more suitable outcome. This is by no means a blame game because I let it happen. My only regret is that he didn’t see in me what I saw in him. He didn’t deem me worthy of a fight for, of a change for, of a place in his heart.

It was decision time.

So bounce then, I heard him aggressively state.

And I did.

Mark

I’ve been sleepy and tired all week. Starting to take naps at every break I could. Eating like I had never eaten before. I just shook it off though. I had just recently started a second job ending every night at midnight so I figured my body was just getting used to the new schedule. Anyways I was concentrating on my big weekend. A whole weekend full of fun and relaxation. I would love it. I woke up Saturday morning with the worst stomach-ache. Gosh. What did I eat yesterday? I had to get ready so I quickly put it to the back of my head. I could just get a ginger ale on the way up to Napa. I was asleep the whole way. I was so tired and my usual car sickness worsened especially along the curves of he 37. I started to be upset; I refused to be sick on my birthday. This was going to be a great one; not as crazy as the rest had been. It started out bad and kept getting worse and worse as the day progressed. It was so frustrating to me because it was right in the in between stage. I wasn’t sick enough to be in bed but I was sick enough to complain. I must have been the worse company. Everybody was so nice to me though. They treated me like a princess. On the ride back home, my best friend asked me a simple question. And as I thought about the answer, my mind began running in circles. Now I’m freaked out. What do I do first? Who should I tell? Who’s going to help me? So many questions! How am I going to answer all of them? I decide I needed results. I must have spent an hour at the pharmacy trying to figure out which would be the most efficient. I finally choose one and went home with butterflies in my stomach. The lady at the register smiles at me and says, “Good luck.” I’m not sure which way she means for that statement to go so I just smile and say, "Thanks." The minutes lasted like what seemed to be hours. Finally, I look at it and look over at my friends. I can’t figure out how to read it. One comes over and she’s unsure too. I’m frustrated now because I want to know. Three positive answers later, I had my answers. The thought of it made me dizzy. I had to sit down. I looked around the room at these two smiling faces and I wondered why they were so happy about this? Were they really happy or were they just trying not to freak me out? How would I tell my friends? How would I tell my family? And oh gawd…how would I tell him? We weren’t on the best of terms. Breaking up and getting back together for the last couple of years now. How could I have made a mistake like this? What would happen? I was so confused. Where do I begin? What would I do first? My life would be completely different and that was the only thing I was absolutely sure of.

HISTORY

Most of us view history as a study of the past for those of us in the future to look back on for change or even reassurance. As Barack Obama was announced the 44th President-Elect, I recognized that I had become a part of history. In the future when children and teachers in classrooms talk about the first ever elected African American President, I can say that I remember this exact moment. The emotions I am feeling; the love and support I see around me; the idea that we can come together as a nation to make a change that is so necessary and is a long time coming. I do also want to say that although we are rejoicing in this monumental acheivement, we also need to be aware that this is not the end, but the very beginning of a journey that will continually be history in the making! Here is my favorite excerpt from Obama's acceptance speech last night:

"For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow."

This is just the beginning for us!

Rantings of a Maniac

Look, I know you’ve got some mixed feelings about us and our relationship right now, but before you end it, you’ve gotta hear me out. I know deep down you really don’t want to let me go. I know you really wanna know why I thought it was a good idea to go through your phone book and call each and every single girl in it. I wanted to see if they had or still have any kind of a romantic relationship with you that could turn into something intimate. You have to realize that I only did it because of my passion and love for you. The love that is so strong in my heart that it compels me to do things like this phone book incident and the showing up at your house in the middle of the night incident and the calling you thirty times a day and the hanging around your job until you got off work. I do all this because I love you so much. I act out in wonder, curiosity and rage when you don’t tell me the whole truth when I ask for specifics about the women in your life. There’s Marie, for instance, who I’ve talked to over and over again. She keeps insisting that you guys are just friends, but I know she’s lying because I can hear it in her voice. When she’s talking to me, I get this feeling like there’s something going on with the two of you, maybe before or even now. I also get this feeling that she wants to be romantically involved with you or wants to be your woman. That would make her a filthy slut because she knows that I’m your girl.
I can’t imagine why someone would want someone that’s already taken. How could you even consider having sex with her. If you are, then just let me know because I don’t want to get in the way of your pleasure. It’s obvious that if you’d rather have sex with other people, then you aren’t satisfied with me, but how could you not be? You seem to like it a lot unless you’ve been faking it this whole time. Then...ohmygawd, are you breaking up with me because I’m bad in bed?

Estelle

She knew that the move was the best for her. She was the girl that wanted the romance and love from all the wrong people. There were plenty of people who would have loved her. Who would have been the one to support all her endeavours and be committed to everything she wanted in a relationship. But these people, she could not or rather would not have anything to do with. She was all about the challenge. She wanted to know that she won and the prize was something no one else could get. There was nothing more satisfying than that feeling of accomplishment. It felt as good as finishing that great book that you know you will always quote from. Like a J. Austen novel made her feel. But then she finally had taken control of her life. When things ended with Casey, she knew that her life would never be the same. She knew that he had made her realize that she walked a path of destruction. She knew that she needed a change. The first big change being where she lived. She had changed her environment first be able to to begin healing and changing herself. Having grown up in the Bay Area of California she wanted a change that was shocking enough but not so drastic that she would give up immediately. She knew the east coast was the place, not too far and not too close. He mom and sisters would be throwing enough of a fit already at the idea of her move, but anything further than a five hour flight would be too much for them. DC was the place she knew she wanted to be. Even in high school she wanted to leave after senior year and be in DC. She was talked out of it by her high school boyfriend thus beginning her destructive judgment when it came to her lovers. She used to make excuses for her behavior while with Landyn because she was so young and inexperienced, but as she fixated only on a certain dramatic characteristic she grew to realize that it wasn’t youth that made her act the way she did then. It was a lack of knowledge of herself. She knew exactly what she wanted, but until now, did not know how to communicate it with herself or others. Her needs were completely lost and she wouldn’t be able to retrieve them until years later.

Billy

I’m not sure I want to go out tonight.

Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. Please…for me? She says. I know she's batting those thick eyelashes of hers. I couldn’t help it.

Fine, I’ll go, but don’t expect me to have fun.

You’ll have fun…after a few drinks.

Yeah, I guess you’re right. I sighed. At that, we both laughed.

She had been so good to me since the move. The city felt so foreign to me, although I lived only fifteen minutes away my whole life. But she, having grown up in the city, knew exactly where to go and how to get there. I appreciated that.

I’ll meet you there in an hour.

Ok, see ya there!

I hang the phone up and walk to my closet. What to wear…what to wear, I think to myself as I brush my hands across my shirts that were hanging. The day had been wet and cold, as usual for January, so the short black mini was definitely out. Jeans and a nice plain tee and jacket would do nicely.

An hour and a half later, outfit, hair, make-up done, I’m standing at the bar, alone. It was pretty crowded, as expected for a Saturday night. A woman was yelling to everyone in the bar to go upstairs for cake. I guess it’s her birthday. As I smile at her hanging from the railing, my cell buzzes in my jacket pocket. I scramble to pick it up.

Hey! We are totally running late, she screams in my ear.

Yeah? Wait…we? I knew this was a set-up.

I’ve got two people with me.

Who?

You’ll see. We’re walking up now.

I shut the flip down on my cell and automatically look at the door. I wonder who she could be bringing. The door opens again and I see them. I hadn’t seen him is a while. I smile. He smiles back. I walk over.

Hey you! I didn’t know you were coming? I say to him.

Well, I decided last minute to join you guys.

Ok, then let’s drink. I say. Then notice someone else.

Hi, I say to him offering my hand. He takes it lightly and introduces himself. I smile at him and think to myself that I was glad I came out.